JM said (November 22, 2021):

Your article made me think of the quote attributed to Socrates:

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

Socrates

I doubt very much that the quote is authentic, but rather based on the (apparently controversial in itself) character of his wife, Xanthippe, who, it is said, he married knowing full well her difficult nature. Still, I believe the thought behind the quote has merit, at least for some individuals. In my own case I can say that over more than 70 years the situations that have been most unpleasant have also resulted in the greatest enlightenment, and for that I'm grateful.

Tao said (May 7, 2020):

Firstly, I'd like to thank you for your tremendous insights in regards to relationships and love.

I'm a 25 year old from South Africa - and your insights have resulted in me having a profound paradigm shift, because what you say is true, feminism, and our brainwashed understanding of love and relationships, has lead to many broken hearts.

For example, I dated an older woman for three and a half years, starting when I was twenty-one - and much of what I thought was love was merely sexual attraction, because I was madly hooked onto her looks and sex appeal.

I was convinced I couldn't be with a woman who didn't make my hormones rage, but now I understand that's a fools errand.

Sacrificing character for sex appeal is a recipe for disaster! Finding a helpmate instead of a soul mate not only intuitively feels right, it makes a tremendous lot of sense, and on reflection, I realize that what fundamentally caused my relationship to fail was because it was based on sexual attraction.

I will carry your words with me forever, as I continue to seek the companionship of a woman who wants to serve me and my goals as I help her do the same.

Thank you for your advice. It has changed my life.

Jared said (April 22, 2020):

agree with the core of the article. Here is my list of non-negotiable
desires for a wife:

Bible thumper conservative believer

anti-feminist (willing to submit)

healthy body weight (indicative of her ability to care)

Under 25 (prime fertility years are 18-26 & I desire healthy children)

Caucasian (as am I)

Did not ride the carousel (still able to bond)

Only 6 requirements yet virtually Impossible to find today so I refuse
to marry as I nourish and cherish myself (Eph 5:29 - def love).

I am completely convinced that if a woman were to do what is right, she
would almost certainly be beautiful and could attract and marry a Godly
man.

The problem is women choose otherwise.

JP said (April 22, 2020):

Hi Henry

Great article

I am 45 years old

1 Personality

2 warm & loving

3 devoted and loyal

4 good mother to children

(Not interested in cooking, that should be a separate category)

5 unselfish

6,7,8,9,10 Sex appeal!

David N said (April 22, 2020):

Thank you for your 04/21/2020 story. We're ten years apart and I learned the lesson your teaching in the story when, of all things, it was PB mag that I detested.

It seemed to me to be a fake lifestyle that I didn't see in my father, so I didn't take part in it. But to my chagrin, when I got older my dad spoke to me about "titty bars" and I was embarrassed and appalled. Then wondered in my twenties what have I missed..... I came to find out that I probably missed out on an STD.

But I wanted to say thank you because I hadn't thought about it like that for years and your ending to the story made me appreciate where I am at sixty years old.

Thank you again for the story, as it's the first time I've ever read your material.

William D said (April 21, 2020):

I gave up looking for the perfect 10 long ago, after the woman I married with the" China doll" face took me to the cleaners. It ruined my attitude toward women and I never remarried, although I've had a few girlfriends along the way. I came close to getting serious with one a few years ago who was 12 years younger until I caught her texting another guy while we were out for the weekend.

I'm in my late 60s now and my libido has thankfully waned a lot. I've travelled a good bit and found I enjoy teaching, but who knows what new rules have in store for us. It sounds like I followed the same flawed plan early on that you did. Thanks for sharing.

Ryan M said (April 21, 2020):

Great post today on your website, at 40, I completely concur with your assessment.

Men are wise to minimize their exposure to the attractive unclad woman they aren’t married to. If Samson, David, and Solomon couldn’t handle it, no wise man today thinks he can either.

At the risk of being called a prude - which bothers me not at all because I only need one friend when I die: my conscience - permit me to relate that it was an admirable habit my parents taught me and my 17 siblings growing up to never go to the gym, swimming pool or beach. They also didn’t have a television in the home, and wouldn’t let us watch movies or listen to popular music, though we often tried to pursue it on our own.

It would have been wonderful if every parent in America trained their children like the Founder of Kellogg’s raised his. He understood that masturbation was wicked, today, society lies to us and says it’s wonderful.

https://archive.org/details/plainfaorold00kell

Kellogg’s ideas on eugenics and on only copulating for procreation are off, but every single other idea he had was spot on. In light of globalist bankers trying to use many non-whites to overwhelm America with their Anti-American ideology, it’s something to consider.

Also, I’ve found the Transformed Wife website to be a treasure trove of wisdom from women who are dedicated wives and mothers, a welcome breath of fresh air in the poisonous feminist stench men in America have been breathing for so long.

https://thetransformedwife.com/what-he-asked-her-on-their-first-date/

Chris said (April 21, 2020):

I liked your answer to "Christine S" below

Too bad she didn't refer you to 1 Corinthians Chapter 7. The entire chapter is devoted to the topic.

"2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. .."

Christine S said (April 21, 2020):

We shouldn't let the dust that is our mortal body rule our lives.

Instead, we should use the lusts of the flesh to our spiritual benefit, & overcome ourselves.

James 1:2-3 - "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience."

Galatians 5:16-17 - "This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other."

God is right. As always.

--

Christine

"Get thee to a nunnery!"

h

CG said (September 2, 2018):

The prophet Moses made it clear that only virgins make good wives but I didn't know that then because I was surrounded by morons. You can't
turn a whore into a housewife. Men need to stop spoiling strumpets and marry only virgins.

Antiquities of the Jews - Book IV - 8:23. "Let the Hebrews marry, at the age fit for it, virgins that are free, and born of good parents.."

http://sacred-texts.com/jud/josephus/ant-4.htm

David S, age 60 said (September 1, 2018):

Qualities I am willing to give up for sex appeal: 0

NB: There were two perfect 10 women I very foolishly let go.

The sex appeal woman I was an utter idiot to marry after them divorced me and the

misery she caused still haunts me to this day.

The third perfect 10 woman I am married to today "I wisely kept"!
---------------------------------------------------------
ONE CHANCE Movie Trailer : the true story of Paul Potts (Britain's Got Talent)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BJskYzSTFA
(Now on Netflix.)

Z said (September 1, 2018):

Perhaps the single most powerful object on earth is a woman’s form. Any establishment that wishes to retain control must use the “woman effect” to keep masses of men as soft, malleable, mindless beasts of burden to the state. A beautiful woman embodies the serpent of culture; she is a statement of goodness, and to be embraced by her is, to a man, a sign of worthiness.
Like a flag, she represents all the meaning and messages inherent in culture.

Art said (September 1, 2018):

All the qualities in the left column of course! You'd be crazy not to want them.

By age 71 I've learned the hard way, having lived with a number of women.

But Henry there's no harm in giving the old lady a good tune-up, right? It's an acquired skill which keeps her young, & makes her beautiful.

Peter K said (September 1, 2018):

At 59 years old I came to the conclusion, "What do you really get when you get a woman? 2 breasts, 1 beautiful face, 1 vagina, 1 buttocks, 2 legs, 2 arms, 2 hands and 2 feet. In summary, it comes down to "a lot of problems and responsibilities". It's not worth the trouble just for sex. In my younger years, I was driven my hormones and it blinded me. I am thankful that I am liberated from all that today. Age does has its benefits with lower testosterone. It's not all bad. I'm glad to be here at this age.

Anon said (May 17, 2016):

If there are any younger guys out there that ever read this let me give you some advice. Close your eyes. Imagine the girl you want and then think of who you know and who you have met that makes you feel alive and appreciated. Take in all your senses but keep your eyes closed and imagine your life in a few years. Who is it who makes you laugh at yourself? Who is connecting with you and wanting to be in your space? Who is it who makes you smile because she has a cheerfulness that is contagious. Who will follow you to the end of the earth just because you are going? Who do you want to talk to about random stuff that you filter for most people? If you are even remotely attracted to a girl that comes to mind who you can share these things with... then make an effort and find out if she is that special one. Do it before it is too late and she finds someone else who will appreciate all her great qualities that won't get old and wrinkled.

Do yourself a favor and settle for quality... that matters.

Doug P said (May 2, 2016):

I wouldn't want a perfect 10 - or at least someone who struggles to look like one. Ordinary looking women start to look beautiful when you get to know them and like them. Beautiful women can be boring and their looks rapidly become irrelevant. Sometimes guys say, when they see a beautiful woman, I wonder who is sick of f%$^ing her. Its like looks are only skin deep and quickly become irrelevant, in weeks. Men like women who are shaped like women - ie not fatties, and look after themselves. Its important not to be "hard to look at" for women as it is for men, I suppose.

O said (May 2, 2016):

Intriguing Post-

In order of importance:

Character (Honest, Fair),

Good mother to your children.

Unselfish, Interested in Others

Warm and loving

Sex Appeal

Common Beliefs & Interests
Great conversation.

Incredible Cook & Homemaker

JG said (May 1, 2016):

A true marriage that was meant to be is a whole relationship between a man and a woman who God has joined together through divine intervention known as 'holy matrimony'.

I didn't know it when it was given to me at the time because I was leading a life of adultery feeding on the fleshly desires of a relationship and not the spiritual and responsible part of a marriage that was meant to be.

God has his plan for us whether we are mature enough or ready enough at the time our mate is offered to us. God's schedule is not our self designed time frame at all. In my case I should have been mature enough at the time to know this was it but wasn't due to selfish immaturity.

It seems that all the relationships I had after this one really weren't meant to be. They were all self inspired that were rooted in the same old premise of lust and physical beauty.

All this passes when we become born again believers in Jesus Christ. We abstain now from the lust of the flesh and all it's desires. We are now the virgin bride of Jesus Christ and are eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven where there is no flesh and blood.

Sam P in S Africa said (May 1, 2016):

im a 42 yr old single male & get this, im a virgin.
i dont have a great job-not one where i know i can easily support a wife
i live with my parents
my father is 75 & my mom is 70.
i know that if i had to get married, my wife will want to live separately but
then i also know my parents wont be able to manage on their own since a govt
pension is basically their only source of income.
but that is sort of irrelevant bcos i know i cant afford to get married in the
first place.

then theres this:
i know im not good looking at all- not drop dead ugly but i def wont win any
"beauty" contest.
i do have a decent body- gym & kickboxing 5-6 times a week but i can NEVER
EVER see myself getting married unless i find someone physically attractive.
she can have ALL the great qualities that is desirable in a woman but if
theres no attraction, it comes down to zero.
my mother keeps complaining about me- that i dont want to get married "because
he doesnt want responsibilities"
i dont know if women are the same as men- that they can marry someone even
though theres no physical attraction but as a man, i cant see it.

im at a stage where the children of schoolmates are getting married- it hurts but i KNOW that it will hurt much more if i had to somehow agree to marry
someone knowing that i don't find her attractive at all.
what kind of a marriage will that be?
i

John Bilyk said (May 1, 2016):

Henry, about your article today. Its like telling someone the kale salad is better for you than the chocolate cake. On paper its an easy decision, but when you can see it and smell it...

Physical beauty is another form of materialism. And as tempting as all material things can be, none can compare to the eternal love of God.

Julius said (November 26, 2012):

I go for the 20 in the left column. 42 years young male.

Have been on my own most of my Life, since I miss this "something" which is in the left column. The female organs are not that interesting that I will sacrifice my independence and Life purpose for having a little hanky-panky here and there which is often not very good anyway, since most women (people in general) are totally "switching" from the electrosmog from the wireless society today - and this actually lowers
the Libido which Professor Santini already highlighted in 2001.

The real women with real values are more or less out of stock.

I guess it would be much easier to find a real women in the East or in South America - the brainwashing today is amazing.

Some times I have this feeling that the women have been totally destroyed and taken over by the agenda, since they seem to be aliens in a way.

Also I get the sensation that women are extremely demanding and expect men to dance and jump for them and serve them and entertain them - I get completely drained often by being in a woman's company for 3-4 hours.

The essential female energy has been switched too - they are not at their own grounds any more, and men are in general weak and passive. Very pretty.

Thank you for your great articles and work.

NB: I have a sensation that more and more women are showing deep psychopathic or narcissistic traits - it becomes more difficult to have a meaningful conversation.

S said (November 13, 2012):

This has to do with your article of men designing their "perfect" 10. I'm 32 and twice married. I am still currently married to my 2nd wife. I first married when I was 19 years old to a longtime friend who was great in every way except for looks. She was kind of "average" you might say. After a couple of years of marriage I started thinking of how young I still was and that there was more and better out there for me to have sexually. I was obsessed with other women's looks instead of what I already had. Long story short, we got a divorce.

Now I have a smokin' hot wife. However, shortly after I married her I soon realized I have very little in common with her at all. We have been married now for seven LONG years. A lot of times I will sit and wonder about what I could have done differently but it is of little consequence.

Maciek said (November 11, 2012):

Answering your question I would put Sex Appeal into/ahead of Great Sense of Humor which I don't care much about in terms of looking for my Soul-Mate.

Overall though my view of relationships is that there are 4 Key Aspects to them:

1 - Spiritual (It's best when both sides believe in the same thing whether it is that they are both Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist etc..)

2 - Physical (The fact of the matter is that while we are on this Earth we are Physical Creatures and therefore I believe that both sides have to be at least somewhat Physically attracted to each other)

Christopher said (November 10, 2012):

I am 36 and have only have two relationships, the first one with a young woman eight years my junior, from Europe. She was both smart and beautiful, very much my "type", something who fit the my "template"; if I had proceeded just on "looks" or "attraction", I could have very well married her. But I knew from the start that she was not the one, and my intuition was borne by my experience with her. She was vain and proud, and only nominally religious, and while the relationship had a lot of excitement, it would not have had stability, I would have always been in a state of emotional exhaustion from her self-centeredness. She was a virgin when I met her, and no, it was not I who subsequently took it from her, she chose to hook up with someone else once it was clear I would not commit to her, and yet she eventually broke up with that guy anyway, and she still wanted a semi-relationship with me. We still talk sometimes, I still love her.

On the heels of that relationship I met another woman, three years my junior, a single mother with a ten year old child, and within a few months it came to the place where it was clear she wanted a relationship, but I did not especially want one because I am not especially attracted to her; however, I did want someone to love, and I did not want to be "best friend" while she sought sex somewhere else. She is Catholic, I am Orthodox, we have agreed not to "go all the way" (harder for her because she is obviously not a virgin and I still am). We are still together after almost four years. I do love her, but not in the way I loved the other one, and I could not marry her because the lack of sexual passion for her on my part would not be enough to sustain anything but a companionate marriage. This was clear to me at the start, it's not as if I didn't "give things a chance", but my intuition was borne out to be true on this as well. However, otherwise, she is loyal and faithful and loving.

I know this may sound strange, but I think that captures the "false dichotomy" suggested by the essay. We should marry for good character AND for sex appeal.

Wade said (November 10, 2012):

I married twice for sex appeal and paid for my mistake through the nose. The four children, spawned from those unfortunate marriages, paid a very high price also. God through me a curve ball after my second divorce. I became good friends with a girl who really had almost no sex appeal at that time. We have been married now for 16 years and have worked together every day for more than 22 years.

She is my best friend, business partner, lover, confidant, and possesses all the attributes you listed in your article. And get this...she has become the sexiest girl I have ever known and no other woman holds a candle to her in that department. Absent divine intervention into my perverted natural taste in women...I would have probably gone on to make a third mistake.

Len said (November 10, 2012):

I'm now 65. I re-married after 'a sex-appeal marriage' that lasted a couple years. The woman/girl involved was almost entirely self-serving and incapable of making a home. The woman I married (my second and last marriage) at 41 is WAY FAR more valuable than any Victoria's Secret doll. We recently celebrated 24 years together ... and I love her more now than any woman I have ever known.

"Sex-appeal" is only about 20 to 30% of a marriage relationship. The other things you listed in the left-hand column, Henry, are vastly superior in value to the physical aspects of relationship.

Men, wise up. Sex is something most women merely manipulate men with, ... especially in their foolish youth, ... like mine was.

Andrew said (November 10, 2012):

At twenty eight years old I was introduced to a beautiful woman by her mother who described her daughter to me before hand.

She did not tell me how beautiful she was but stated that her daughter had won the Home Economics Award in high school. Something about that clicked within me as sounding "right".

After my failed engagement, time and thought, I knew that it was a woman that I wanted and not (feminist) competition. After our first date, which my wife now tells every one was like a job interview ( I asked if she wanted children and how many, if she wanted to stay at home or work and so on) I knew she was the one I would marry.

We have been married twenty two years and have three great children. I am now fifty years old. I feel that a man can have it all if he gives himself time to mature and listens to himself and not the social engineers!

Asim said (November 10, 2012):

Contrary to what many of your readers have said, physical beauty in a woman is a very important aspect to consider. If an attractive woman shows interest, why not follow it through? If one happens to be able to draw out the good looking females of the species, then why not exploit that fact? No man I think can or would fall in love with the female equivalent of the hunchback of notre dame! I know for a fact that I have lasted a lot longer in relationships because of the physical attraction present-it helps to compensate other qualities lacking in the woman. Men, I believe, need to constantly feel sexually aroused at the sight of their wives. If this ceases, then I cannot see how a successful marriage can work, when problems arise. I may sound shallow in saying all this, but I think it's what all men really think and feel.

Tony Blizzard said (November 10, 2012):

I'm up to 80 years, still working and live alone. I wouldn't trust a woman today to come in to do my housework. A woman's word today is just her mouth moving. She feels (it's all about feelings with them) entitled to lie and cheat about anything so long as it promotes what she wants.

But I would rather have had a life-long wife who grew old together with me with mutual trust. My one demanded quality was and still would be that she recognize that as a woman she runs the home, nurtures the kids and backs up her husband and that is it. She has no place in the man's battle with the world at large, not even to vote, which is too often an insane cancellation of her husband's vote - she simply isn't wired to understand, much less battle, the world and isn't capable - her responsibility is the making of a cheerful, comfortable, moral home life for her family. In these things she can truly excel, every other responsibility is her husband's.

In other words, the ideal woman is always in her place and under control. When that is the set state those other qualities mentioned naturally show themselves. That has been the successful modus operandi from the beginning of time in the world. Every time women get out of their place and out of control the world rapidly goes to hell. History books are not written with that in mind but it comes through in places nevertheless. It's not just hell for the men, but for the women too, and especially for the children.

Gerald,37 said (November 10, 2012):

The answer is quite simple. Have sex with the women in the right-hand column, and when you have had quite enough, marry a woman with the attributes listed on the left!

Craig, 31 said (November 10, 2012):

I would love to have a women with all the qualities on the left hand column but unfortunately these characteristics are few and far between nowadays due to the crippling control of feminism and all the misandry that goes on in our culture.

Andy said (November 9, 2012):

I never really bought into the twisted perception of what constitutes female "beauty". What I have learned over time is that while beauty is only skin deep, genuine inner beauty can be fleeting and fickle too.

I have been married twice, both times my relationships were based on qualities found in the left hand column. For me (historically) sex appeal has been a product of character more than some popular perception.

Both of my failed marriages were based on desirable attributes you've listed far more so than physical beauty. Both marriages failed due to misrepresentation by women who felt that "honesty" is no more than a by product of their getting what they want, a means to an end.

The problem isn't physical beauty, I doubt it ever has been. Not everyone is, or ever was attracted to the same physical attributes anyway. The over riding issue is that we live in a time where dishonesty, sycophancy, and morbid selfishness are celebrated. BPD and sociopathy are the new norm. My experience has shown that it is just as possible to hide selfish and dysfunctional motives behind your (left hand column) attributes as it is physical "beauty".

Harley said (November 9, 2012):

I have to say I reside firmly in the left column. One thing I would like to point out is that a good looking woman is not necessarily good at sex. A good looking woman tends to be so self absorbed that no man is good enough for her. We live in the age of the 'make-over'. Woman hide many natural discrepancies with make-up, face-lifts, botox, breast augmentation, and thigh augmentation. Sex appeal in the twenty-first century can mean that you are not really seeing what you are getting, and cannot ascertain an accurate guage for the type of woman you might think you are looking at.

A 'Plain Jane' might well have all of the attributes of the left side column and also be great in bed because she wants sex. It is arguable whether or not the 'sex appeal' woman wants sex or can even perform sex effectively given the grotesque nature of her altered physical attributes.

The make-over has an denied side-effect for the the 'sex appeal' woman. Aside from her border-line sociopathy, the self-obsession turns into this:

Wednesday, June 13, 2012
http://toobworld.blogspot.com/2012/06/as-seen-on-tv-genevieve-selsor.html

Richard said (November 9, 2012):

The problem with the list is that it creates a false dichotomy. All of the qualities that you list in the left hand column are indeed sexy to an emotionally healthy male. There should be arrows from each item in the left hand column pointing to the iterations in the right hand column.

It seems from your statements that you have confused the lowest level of visually induced arousal with "sex appeal." We are not baboons chasing the nearest inflamed red bottom. Well, some people are, but that is hardly truly human behavior. All of the qualities that make a wonderful life partner, wife, and mother are indeed incredibly sexy. It isn't only women who are aroused sexually by love and intimacy.

Healthy men are too. I am 57 years old, grew up in the midst of the 60's sexual 'revolution', etc. Yes, we get conditioned by media manipulations and schooling, some to a fair thee well. But it is our own task to decondition ourselves and wake up to the beautiful reality that exists beyond the disinformation, moral slime and sludge found on the screens of the television, computer, pad, phone, etcetera. Take a breath, and stop chasing the airbrushed images to which some are conditioned. Speak to a person face to face. Have a conversation. Go for a walk. What a concept.

What a world. It's a staggeringly beautiful thing to be alive, if one takes the time to appreciate existence itself. Peace.