Debra said (August 8, 2011):

If you want a man to be more a Man, be more a Lady. It's as simple as that.

I agree with what Henry said:- "Feminism has affected men too by downplaying the skills needed to be strong dads and husbands."

Being a strong dad and husband is not something you could really "know". Learn to be more of a Lady, who is feminine, submissive and not in control.

Peter said (August 8, 2011):

I have three pearls for you and the first is language.

In your letter to Henry you used 'want' 11 times.

For example, when you say or think 'I want him to look after me', it seems you are really saying you believe he isn't looking after you enough, or how you would like.

The more you focus on that which you believe, your lack of being looked after, the more likely you are to get more of it.

Increasingly you will likely feel less looked after than before.

A great big negative.

Pearl two is a link to a most effective relationship website http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog which provides explanations, tools and support you both seem to be lacking but are looking for.

The third pearl is a book which describes different personality types and how to understand and live with them.

The author is Rosemary Altea it's titled 'Soul Signs'.

Some people have difficulty with her spirit world connections, however, the essence of her book, the 13 soul sign personalities, feel about right.


Brenda, love is a great basis for a wonderful relationship and you seem to have that.

How you prioritize your life will bring rewards and consequences.

How it turns out is up to you.

I believe we all can have anything we desire, just not everything.

Balkan Guy said (August 7, 2011):

Scanned this suicide whore babble: "its my own fault for being too damn capable and smart"

Translation of her BS is basically: I made the mistake of marrying somebody 4 love & family, forgetting my main goal in life is 2 divorce a rich guy =) It's time 2 trade up, & I am such a destructive piece of krap I want others 2 do the same. Let's all destroy men together. Make sure never 2 marry 1 unless they have lots of 'plans' (money), & R 'driven' (rich), & 'smart' (give all their $ 2 their women).

Seriously Henry, U know everything I'm saying is true. Y the fuk do U let 'em get away with this krap? U know they're just making excuses! "Oh he treats me swell & is an awesome lay & handsome & healthy & loves kids & marriage & is loyal & fun, but I WANT MORE MONEY! =))

WTF! Stop pretending she isn't speaking in code. U damn well know what she really means.

IT'S SUPPOSED 2 B 'SAVE THE MALES' not 'TRICK THE MALES INTO SYMPATHIZING WITH A DEAD-END PROSTITUTE'

"Oh baby remember, if U make sure 2 poop out @ least 2 of his spawn U can easily steal the house" LoL

Brunheld said (August 7, 2011):

Brenda, dear self absorbed little girl. You want a husband, but on YOUR terms, and if he doesn't live the life YOU have mapped out for him you question the relationship.

He is now what he was the day before you signed the piece of paper; a guy that probably loves you, but has been socially engineered to be what is called in French "un homme rose", "a pink man" literally translated, and it means one that has abandoned traditional leadership in home and family as that is what society has made him. He is beaten by feminism,as are the majority of those in his and your age group.

Not all is lost however,as love conquers not only the multitude of sins but can in deed conquer them all; it would therefore depend on whether or not you are willing to adjust your position about how brilliant you are and how inadequate he is to one about finding common ground and understanding that you have entered into a partnership where each brings his/her strengths and weaknesses and it is understanding and ACCEPTING these that will give you a happy and fulfilling life together, not trying to force him into a mold that he hasn't been in his entire life just so you are not inconvenienced by a social "embarrassment". Question is, do you love him or do you love what you think you can make him?

Brad said (August 7, 2011):

Unrealistic expectations kill more marriages than anything else in the country. If my wife of 24 years bailed everytime we had financial problems we would have divorced about ten times by now. Guess what? Somehow we have always made it though, one day at a time. She has always been a stay at home Wife and Mother (in that order). How do we do it? We don't expect fancy cars or big houses. What do we have. A great familly a small house that is paid off and two hoopties in the driveway and garage that I work on.

So in short, give the man a chance, live with what you get or let him go.

Brenda, stop thinking so much of yourself. Even the strongest man in the world can fall down, you can be the strongest woman in the world, but all of your brains and go to attitude can still leave you as a failure. Hard times are coming soon, even worse than now. You might just find out soon that you need this man much more than you ever guessed.

When a husband falls down the wife should be there to help him up and support his weight. When a wife falls down the husband is there to pick her up and carry her those last yards to safety.

Arne said (August 7, 2011):

Brenda is feeling the rush, biologically and spiritually. There's not enough time to coach a man into being what you "want" him to be. But she also must be careful that she is not putting her husband in her fantasy of what she believes a complete life is. She has already said he provides her with the love she never received from her family and the misery at being responsible at a young age. I think perhaps her logic is that her husband has provided her with the missing piece before and he can do it again. Life is not so enchanted. One person may be able to supply one thing but not the other. Brenda needs to find love for herself too, which she obviously believes she has no responsibility in this. This is the first stage of being fully developed. Now the next stage is getting married to an equal partner which her husband is not. He only fulfilled what she didn't receive as a child. Now, she needs to grow up and stop wishing for daddy and mommy. This man will not make her happy unless he becomes something he is not and he needs to hurry up about it. But that will not happen, pure fantasy. She will always feel a lack in him as to what her adult self needs, no fault of him. He is what he is, no judgment. But for Brenda, it's a time warp.

Jo said (August 7, 2011):

I found a great Christian Counselor who helped me realize that I don't have to be in survival mode every minute of my life and that has helped me to let go and let my husband! It's not that I can't do some things, but I'm able to let him do what he's good at. He's uber-organized and I don't have to worry so much because I know he's got it taken care of and we are working the plan. I'm sure your husband has areas that he excels in as well. Let him do what he's good at! If he's good at doing the laundry, let him take pride in cleaning your clothes! It really is the small things that makes a marriage work - not the big things.

I think that what attracted you to him is now annoying you.

BBD said (August 7, 2011):

am an exception to the rule: We did have a son, we did divorce but it was I who raised him, not alone, I had a support system in my family and it all worked out - I could not be more proud of my son and the way he turned out and has lived his life.

Perhaps if you really love him and want things to work, try this: Take all that energy and learn to enjoy the responsibility but delegate a little here and a little there with your husband - don't throw it all in his lap at once - that was my wife's technique! It doesn't work.

Really, think about it how hard is it to train a unsuspecting husband? If you're really smart make sure there is a no lose reward system! I hope you understand that or you have even more problems! :)

Like a child we like rewards and we like to accomplish things and if you are giving him easy tasks at first and he 's accomplishing them, you simply increase the responsibility a little bit at a time. ...and don't rush the process, give it months to work out, remember, he still is growing up, you married a boy, and just don't give up on your ability to lead him to manhood.

If that's the way it has to be to work, so be it! I see nothing wrong with that.

Samuel said (August 7, 2011):

he latest article by Brenda has led me to write to you to try to solve the problem. The advice given by the commentors is off base I believe.
She married this guy!!! A commitment before God and man means nothing anymore. Divorce has become the immediate option in our world. This guy sounds like he is a little slow to mature and take the reigns of responsibility. Many of us have been the same way. He will come around. My wife is a lot like Brenda, I think. She is on target and planning things out constantly in her mind...I am more go with the flow. I love her for being so dang organized and always thinking three steps ahead. I am more concerned with Today. Working hard, paying our bills and loving her Today. Tomorrow will have troubles of its own. The bottom line is I love this woman and I committed for life. She love me and she committed for life.

Brenda's husband will slowly take on more responsibility and start to look at long term goals. He WILL.... Brenda, if she does not bail like the weak, typical American, will calm down a bit over time and stop worrying. It sounds like she is looking for the "perfect" man. The one who laughs, giggles, touches, is romantic, and the one who will make all future plans, is ready today for kids, and will make a boat load of cash to provide a lavish lifestyle...

Newsflash, this man (or woman) does not exist. The problems they are having are SOOO typical of young married couples. The problem with our society today is that we have been conditioned to Bail out right away.

Commitment means nothing today. In marriage, In business, and even our commitment to follow God. It is horrid, and frankly I was a little shocked that you may have helped her get to a spot in thinking she just simply made a poor choce in a husband.

Henry, come on brother!!! Divorce is the very very very last option and is to be put into operation only under the most DIRE circumstances. Brenda is not under Dire circumstances. She made a bed now she needs to figure out how to sleep in it. For God's sake, the man is romantic, funny, touches her and she LOVES him.

I'd love to have a chat with him and encourage him to grow up a bit and talk with his wife about the future... Start thinking that way at least.

Until we return unto the ways of God, honor His word, and repent for following the ways of this world we will not have any success at all...

Kevin said (August 7, 2011):

I dated these American 20-something know it alls, and for me it would not go past 2 dates. They are not nearly as intelligent as they think,(she married a guy with no job or career) and their actions do not allow a man to lead.

Seems like she wants a big nice house, and pictured life being easy once she is married as though it is some sort of fairy tale.. Sit home, do laundry, cook, he makes enough dough to pay all bills and purchase big home, etc.

John said (August 7, 2011):

Henry- I couldn't believe your comments and those of many others over the supposed 'lack of change' in a marriage between Brenda and her husband.

First off, marriage is a sacrament- or at the very least, a covenant between a man and a woman. It cannot, should not, and must not be tossed aside for ANY reason, save adultery on the part of the other spouse... and even then, forgiveness, and restoration of the covenant is the preferred avenue of approach.

This sort of 'dump the jerk and find another' is a totally pagan, godless, and anti-Western approach to marriage. It also depersonalizes both the one leaving, as well as the one being left. Something I thought your column clearly tries to avoid, as it merely feeds into the atomistic mindset so typical of godless humanism.

Men DO change... after 20 years of marriage, ask my wife! (lol)

But it takes TIME. I mean, like ten to fifteen YEARS. If a person's life patterns took that long to develop, don't you think that they would take that long to 'un-develop' as it were?

Bitter divorcees, and slacker husbands are NOT the types of people one should look to for 'advice' on this end. Would you go to the failed CEO of a company for advice, or to Trump, Buffet, or Steve Jobs? Not that marriage is a 'business' - though there are some elements about it that entail that side of things.

But marriage above all is the desire to die to self and live for another.

Which means that Brenda needs to change as much as her husband.

And you, of all people, shouldn't just air one spouse's side of the story, without hearing/knowing the other spouse's tale, as well.

Victoria said (August 7, 2011):

Tell Brenda she should thank her lucky stars that she has discovered this about her husband before they produced a family together and cut her losses and get out of the marriage. Because he is, obviously, looking for a mother rather than a supportive partner, when and if the kids arrive he will take his place as the first of them, with 'mean old mummy' as the scourge of them all. I have seen it in my own relationship. My husband was a man who seemed to be perfect husband material but who, as it turned out, was terrified of taking any kind of responsibility.

It always seems to me that it works out that, when one leaves a relationship, in the next one, one must play the role played previously by one's former partner. So, if she is the assertive one now, if she dumps him and just gets busy and involves herself in her own life and interests, I truly believe that a much better prospect will show himself before it is too late to have the family she desires.

My marriage fell apart after almost 30 years, mainly because I, foolishly and against all empirical evidence, kept believing that my husband had it in him to change by stepping up and taking action. It took me that long to realize that he abhorred taking any kind of ethical, emotional or financial responsibility for his family. For pete's sake, he wouldn't even give me an opinion on whether or not to circumcise his two sons! So, the decision was left up to me and our doctor - another woman (we decided against it, thank goodness).

One of my sons recently said, 'I have a father who wants to be my friend and I hate it'. So, if Brenda cares for the mental health of her potential future children, she should get rid of this albatross and find herself a man who takes pride in caring for a family. In the end, she will be doing the present husband a favor as well because if he ends up in another relationship, in the next one, he will likely be the one to take the lead. (This is why, it seems to me, in the modern day, one sees so many Asian women in relationships with ineffectual-looking white men since it plays to the strengths in both of them - her femininity brings out his more masculine side. And, good luck to them is all I can say. But for the majority of Caucasian women, raised in modern-day North America, it is impossible to sublimate oneself sufficiently to play helpmate to most Western men who have been 'feminized' beyond recognition as males by the social engineering to which you are always referirng in your columns.)

G said (August 7, 2011):

American women want a man that they can manipulate. As soon as this guy starts acting manly and decisively, this lady will be all over him for being bossy. I am beginning to think that most American women are bipolar. You can't win.

This lady's problem is obvious. This guys wallet isn't big enough. She thinks she is better than him. Smarter,harder worker and better earner. And yes this lady sounds arrogant. You have no idea what the other side of the story is either.
I don't know why this "LADY" even married the guy. Typical American broad! (Closet Lesbian?)

Christopher said (August 7, 2011):

Brenda you need to do three things. You need to stop having any physical contact, move out immediately and end the marriage. This has nothing to do with whether or not what you want is reasonable (I think that it is.) or the proper type of relationship to seek. It is simply because you can only hope for an appeasement change which will be temporary at best and resented eventually. Nothing else will mess up your life more than making this compromise as your partner has to want to change more than you and this decision would only come from him. He has no motivating reason to make deep and life altering changes. Also, do not use a trial separation in the hope he will change. Least of all should you think that an “accidental” pregnancy will make the difference and I am sure that the thought crossed your mind. What will help you make a clean break is looking in the mirror and discovering what about you caused you to select the wrong partner. It is not your admirable work ethic or skill set. Becoming less successful or hardworking person will only be like an actor assuming a role which will lead to the narcissistic feelings of how great you were to be the proper woman for a man not worthy of you. Do think that these thoughts lead anywhere good? You also must not leave this relationship on a search for someone who is good enough for you as this is more of the same pretense that leads to narcissism. Three years of absolute celibacy where you maintain your work ethic and perhaps volunteer somewhere in the service world would help you realize where your ability to connect became slightly off balance due to your history. It must be the kind of service that you tell no one about and get your hands dirty. In other words, becoming an administrator in a non-profit is out, or if your service leads to this you did the wrong service. Women very commonly do this. You might even meet the right man while doing this, after your sexual sabbatical. I see so many women who are aware of the problems between men and women become this type of neo-traditionalist as a way of once again looking for the problem outside of themselves, placing the blame elsewhere and playing “holier-than-thou.” You are on the cusp of this. Be the change that you want to see.

Susan said (August 7, 2011):

Don't you see that by expecting your husband to be other than what he is you are still leading? Now you're leading him to be the kind of leader you think he should be. Look at how he is leading. He's not just sitting back and doing nothing. He is leading you to laughter and to love, to joy and to relaxation. He is showing you how to be softer, gentler, more feminine, if only you'll let him. He doesn't have to be a "take charge" kind of guy. He is the head of the family by nature. You need to discover just who he is and realize that you need him. Who else could have taught you the things you have learned? Who else could have seen the softness beneath your laudable competence? He completes you. Don't disparage that.

You need to also see that you may be unconsciously trying to recreate the unhappiness of your early life. Watch out for that. You have a chance for happiness. Don't ruin it.

A grandmother

Robert said (August 7, 2011):

I have lived on my own for 31 years, I do not need a woman to do my washing, or my cleaning, therefore, I understand how your husband feels on this issue.

Wear skirts or dresses, if you want to be seen as a woman, then dress like one, do NOT wear jeans or trousers, stop imitating a man.

Stop cutting your hair, again, if you want to be seen as a woman, then dress like one, stop imitating a man.

William said (August 7, 2011):

There have always been easy going, laid back guys. They aren't the alpha type, but can usually get done what needs to be done if they care about it. Maybe he just wants to be in charge without being hard driving and "leading", delegating stuff to her that he thinks she is good at.

If she is constantly pushing him to "take charge" he is likely to pull back into his own shell and tune her out. Which will cause her to push harder, with him taking more emotional distance. She has to realize that she is creating a trauma situation and break the cycle.

The wife needs to realize that he isn't an alpha, maybe not even a strong beta type, but she can make the marriage work if she quits whining.

Traditionally in these situations the woman should let him lead wherever he wants to, and pick up the responsibility where he doesn't. She should always make him know that he is the man of the family, attribute successes to his input, etc.

It is possible that he'll never be a strong leader type. This does not mean that he can't be a good and loving husband, and be supportive of her. She needs to adapt herself to his "management style", and, as I said, take care of whatever he can't or won't do herself in a loving and supportive manner - and be happy that she has a good man.

Elizabeth said (August 7, 2011):

Tell Brenda to get him some natural Male hormonal herbs like Sarsaparilla ! Nature's Sunshine Herb Co. has a male Blend with Sarsaparilla being the main ingredient. It may not "cure" him, but at least he will FEEL More manly, I've seen it work. This is a serious problem, leading to heart problems and all kinds of things, if men don't get enough hormones.

Then Brenda should make a point to hang around with Overly Obnoxious jerk men for awhile and thank her lucky stars for what she Has. ; ) She may Think she wants that, but once she Had one, she would be fighting for control with him all the time over the Clicker.

Henrique said (August 7, 2011):

Catastrophic mistake thinking that he would "change". We men don't "change", we are what we are, some are instinctively strong and intelligent ( very few ); some are intelligent but hesitant and second-guessing, others ( majority nowadays ) are just dumb AND instinctively weak at the same time. (This reality was made to happen by various means ). I would recommend divorce, don't want to sound rude but you shouldn't feed yourself delusions and waste your potential. Find a stronger man with an average intelligence, it's not that hard to find I guess.

Al said (August 7, 2011):

If this is your only problem, I wouldn't worry about it. If you both love each other then just work it out and keep your marriage together. If you two are talking about it, he'll get the picture eventually. He can only operate within his own limitations. Maybe he likes you to be smarter than him. I would have no problem marrying a woman smarter than me if we loved each other. The key here is love; if you have that, you have everything. If you are smarter in some ways then be smarter and use it to the advantage of your family.

Your husband may be a better catch than you think. He wants to have a family and children; this is a good thing. He may not be the visionary that you think you want, but he is great on the basics. You said: "He has given me honest love, stability, and support.....". Most wives don't get neither one of those, let alone all three. So far, I think you two are way ahead of the game.

It could always be worse. He could be a drunk, dolt, jerk, Freemason, or God forbid a politician. If his goal in life is to have a family and children; you just struck pay-dirt and you should do everything you can to keep your marriage happy and secure.

Yeah, it would be nice if he was more assertive, and I think he will when the children come along. Sounds like he will be able to step up to the responsibility because he actually wants children. My younger son doesn't even want them; I'm hoping he'll change his mind.

So, in my humble opinion, you have little to no problems to warrant anything other than keeping your marriage together.

Liz said (August 7, 2011):

You sound a bit like myself. I've always been a intelligent, efficient, diligent, a planner, etc. I married a happy, easy-going man. In the beginning he didn't take charge or make decisions; he was physically weak and emotional. Five years later, you'd hardly recognize him. He's loves to exercise, balances our budget, is willing to take responsibility for decisions, and works hard. What did I do?

Actually not much, I decided to look for the good that was already there, especially whenever he'd show manly qualities. One day, like a light switching on in his head, he discovered that he liked feeling manly, he liked being respected and in charge. He can't ever go back now to allowing himself to be treated the way his friends and family treated him before. I let go of trying to mold him into what I wanted him to become, stayed encouraging and gentle, and he far exceeded any of my expectations.

He still isn't any good at planning or efficiency, so I see myself as a Navigator and him as the Captain. I provide information to help him make wise decisions. I hope some of this was helpful.

P.S. Read Fascinating Womanhood, it's cheesy and old-fashioned and it works ;)

C said (August 7, 2011):

My heart goes out to you. My story is your story, only 25 years later. I remind myself constantly that even though my man is a professional, he is a wage slave--paid to be a pleaser--plus this whole culture has gone wrong, so it's not entirely his fault. My first advice is to INSIST that you must stay home, and that he support you, even if you must live on a shoestring. This is what I, personally, did right.

Then use your modern assertiveness to insist that you can fuss over him--don't take no for an answer. Show him your hurt if he won't accept little domestic gifts from you. We are so used to being tough...you have to wear skirts and work on being soft. It took me ten years to figure that one out. Next, save your great ideas for your children, all of them. You WILL be a single mother within your own household. But wait, stick with me here...

Here is the honest truth: You are so lucky to even be married, that he even proposed to you, in view of the sloppy, lazy culture we are living in! You will be miserable if you leave him, because you will be out shopping all over, this time among selfish divorced scum. Your biological clock is ticking. You don't have time for that.

The Bible says (Ephesian 5:22) wives submit to your husbands. This is not politically correct, but you need to behave as though you are tacked onto his life, not like an equal partner. He needs this in order to understand you really mean it. Then YOU make a goal for YOURSELF based on the following: The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world! Go with the flow on everything else--this means you have to let go of your need to contemplate the "ideal" place to live, etc., etc. Where you are is good enough for him, so leave it alone!

When you experience the joy of motherhood, all else will be worth it. I couldn't change my husband until, frankly, it became an obsessive way of living, so I lost a LOT of time. Your type of hubby WILL let you do everything in the kid department, so this is where YOU will step up-- that's where YOU will shine.

However, your kids will still not come out perfectly--let go of this. If you have a son, try to leave the two of them together alone as much as possible. That part I definitely screwed up, but you are lucky, since you will be far ahead of the game!

YOU need to STEP UP, to help change the culture! Don't join the disenfranchised divorcees. Let go of the idea that love conquers all. You already know how to bust your butt, so have at it, girl! I never promised you a rose garden!

Sandra said (August 6, 2011):

Poor Brenda! She sounds like a commendable young woman.

I know how she feels. I have been in the same situation. And the reality of it was, I didn't like it.

Our collective social engineering has been so confusing!

In my opinion, no matter how competent, visibly respected, industrious and so on, a woman is...she will in turn expect this in spades from her man. It's true, some of us heterosexual women, who've tried to toe the line and do our part in the outside world, merely long to be taken care of by a man who loves us. We want strong men, inside and out.

Not wimpy, scardey-cats. It just doesn't work. We want strong males. Spiritually and in all ways. Strong males

Yes, it's true, females are complicated. And, perhaps it's true about us, we can be easily led.

The only thing to do is get smart and realize what you want. A feminine woman wants a masculine man. We need to get back to the basics.