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"A Deathless Suicide": Man Rues Transgender Choice

July 14, 2015

transv.jpg"Venus envy." The media made him 
hate his masculinity so much, 
he tried to become a female. 

"I have seen the dark underbelly of the gay and transsexual lifestyles and now would warn anyone contemplating such not to even think about it.  It's sad to see the promotion of destructive lifestyles by government and media. They know what they are doing."

by "Susan"

I am a casualty of the war on males
and have had a sex change operation due to projected feelings of inadequacy.

 It's a shame I was so gullible and suggestible.

The barrage of Kinsey's philosophies,and the thesis antithesis synthesis shows of the time i.e: Donahue, Oprah,et al Growing up around "liberated" women I felt like a monster. I had been averse to the homosexual lifestyle, and don't even know how I ended up like this in retrospect.

 Well not really....TV & popular culture were a factor.

 The Venus envy spell dissipated not long after the operation.

 It was like a spell one wakes up from and envy is a deadly sin.The women I had known had been under the spell of feminism and I was open minded to the point self-hatred for being a male.

 They call what I have done "The deathless suicide".

 I was not the run of the mill transsexual. I had been a "hostess"at large regular parties at a large Chicago dating service (2500 members of an all lifestyles private club) before there was the internet, and had gone to all the big Chicago nightclubs,working at some and (in that persona) I was no longer invisible.

 I have seen the dark underbelly of the gay and transsexual lifestyles and now would warn anyone contemplating such not to even think about it.  It's sad to see the promotion of destructive lifestyles by government and media.They know what they are doing.

The media touted Christine Jorgenson (whom I had met briefly in person in 1984)and Rene Richards promotion of escapism for the chauvinistic pig I was alleged to be hit a chord with me.  The media doesn't promote Rene Richards current view which coincides with my own now.


 I was set to try and prove that if they wouldn't or couldn't be women....I would do the job myself ! Show how it's done ! (so to speak) which was pretty nutty as a great number of transsexuals I had encountered were merely twisted caricatures of the women that didn't exist anymore after women's liberation.

 I have had no associations with the gays or transsexuals for many many years now as it is a very sad lifestyle that rings so hollow.

 Of course it's not as open and shut, or simple as stated above and there are a lot of other factors, but this path has led to a lot of self analysis, introspection,and left me with a lot of time to research what the heck happened to me here.

 There is a plethora of personal and media, and societal induced elements that gets one to this point, but after finally writing you, it's just too much to even know where to begin.

 There is penis envy and Venus envy.

 Whereas I abhor greed and violence, and other injustices inflicted on humankind I came to the conclusion that [the Venus] envy that I was sucked into was every bit the same type of aberration.

 Now I'm a neither. Also neither bitter, nor happy with what has been done. What's done is done. The cost was high to buy into this superficial feminized "panacea".

 But you are right on in your observations and of course this is not what the world in its present state of confusion is interested in... I wish you all the best in your quest to Save The Males, and thought it a good idea to reinforce your efforts as a casualty of this war on them.

 May God Bless you and keep you in your work !


Hi again Dr. Makow...

My first letter just started off as a quick note to say I agree with you and I tried to include some of the factors attributable from my perspective.

There have been a lot of dark years as God had put a hole in my bucket. Once you start down this road it gets screwy.  To me it all seems important.

I'm sure you know the forces that promote this type of choice, and why they do.

 I now know that you can't make a silk purse from a sows ear, and there are vast physiological differences in the structure of the body and mind. But you are like in a magic spell and think that it can be overcome.

One thing that is positive in a way is there is a lack of a sex drive which makes me feel transcended from the battle of the sexes, but i feel like I am cheating at life, or cheated too ,but of equal measure.

Somewhere in my head I was thinking some guy would have been glad to find me and treat me as I would have treated a woman because I wouldn't be a bitchy feminist.

But in reality that could never be.  A woman is a different  creature altogether and I am still awkward around certain ones. Also I feel like a criminal because I am not on their wavelength mentally anyway, and in the case of men I feel like a criminal because if I fool them it can cost me my life.

There is a point where you have to explain, "I had this operation "and you get really scared to see what kind of reaction you will get. I had a couple of men wanted to kill me. One openly and one subtly.

Or there is always someone who picks up on it, or maybe more and at the point I am at they won't just up and say it to my face.

e.g. I was looking for a Renee Richards quote but came across Christine Daniels/Mike Penner Photos. Half the time this person passes and half the pictures it's obvious what we are seeing.
A taboo novelty taken too serious. Venus Envy.

My operation was in Thailand and the women (and nurses) there actually acted like women and dressed like women. (Very few in pants) and I cried there in the hospital bed when I was going through with this, thinking maybe had I joined the military or something I might have met a real woman in a foreign land that wasn't subjected to the psychological assaults here in North America.

I think it is criminal to teach children this is a viable lifestyle in schools.I have seen a lot of unhappy people in the "alternative lifestyle" scene.

There are much more important things in life than the clothes you wear for sure.

In a perfect world I would be allowed to speak at schools but my message would be about as welcome as yours.

It's also criminal to kill innocent people with remote control airplanes (drones), make merchandise of men in privatized prisons, drug children with made up diagnoses and torture people etc. but in this world we live in today  as you know, are the days where men call good evil, and evil good.

I lost my identity and as one matures it's kind of a nice thing to have intact, and I pity the young males having to go through the minefields of trying to maintain their manhood because the sociological atmosphere is even more polluted.

Since I have studied Kinsey and his backers,cult psychology, and eugenics and I was a sucker that did my bit for the population control gang.

But they are good at what they do and like all of us I was raised in captivity watching that TV.
So ...I don't know if this is what you had in mind as far as conclusions.

These days I try not to think too much about it.
But as when I wrote you initially I just wanted to say you are on the right track,and I wish I was able to read something akin to what you write today 20 years ago.

Best Regards to you !

Originally posted Jan 27, 2010 

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Comments for ""A Deathless Suicide": Man Rues Transgender Choice"

Glen said (July 15, 2015):

Thanks for sharing your story Susan. Sad part about it is it will only be put out there by such "real" people as Henry. I don't know, maybe it is just a form of confession, getting the whole thing of your chest(no pun intended).

What you may never know is you might have had a profound effect on someone considering the same life style. you might have allowed someone a second look, a second chance, and that makes you a good person. Truth is an awesome force, and you just gave us a full load. May God be with you. Thanks again for sharing.

C said (July 14, 2015):

Here is another man who has had regrets but chose to go back to his manhood:
It is a story which must be heard but won't if the MSM has its way.

In spite of what he's been through, "Susan" sounds remarkably sane. He sounds chastened and wiser and not bitter and trying to make the best of his life. I disagree with Jason that he takes no personal responsibility. He just sees the influences for what they were.

And Roberta's ending statement is troubling--she was deliberately irradiated on whose orders? Acceptance of suffering for terrible events that cannot be changed is the path to health--which I think both she and "Susan" exemplify.

Paul said (July 14, 2015):

A man at my work place is trying this transformation out and has no idea that he won't find "tall, dark and handsome" because at this point in the game very few women ever find "tall, dark and handsome". He has decided to take a path that will only get lonelier and lonelier until someday he will be fighting suicidal thoughts. And - he doesn't understand that in the process many government workers (doctors, nurses, social workers etc.) will have made a good living off of him.

Jason said (February 2, 2010):

Well I cannot be sympathetic to someone who is obviously not sorry for their unnatural and disgusting lifestyle. His entire letter was simply blaming society and that he is a victim of a higher power. I am sorry but any man that does not feel he is in control of his own destiny is weak and therefore will always be a failure with that attitude. And furthermore, did you not read my final email? If he was really truly sorry for his lifestyle and his sins, he wouldn’t refer to himself in his letter of remorse as “Susan”. I feel that you may have been duped with a letter from a hypocrite looking for sympathy and acceptance.

Joseph said (January 28, 2010):

"I have seen the dark underbelly of the gay and transsexual lifestyles and now would warn anyone contemplating such not to even think about it. It's sad to see the promotion of destructive lifestyles by government and media.They know what they are doing."

"I have no associations with the gays or transsexuals for many many years now as it is a very sad lifestyle that rings so hollow."

The people aligned with this aspect of the population (participants as well as sympathizers) have been sold a bill of goods if not outrightly sold down the river. They were told pursuing the alternative lifestyle would be liberating and fulfilling. According to a friend who has a friend, this lifestyle is a burden with no fulfillment whatsoever. Homosexuality is rebellion. The Mayor of Moscow will not permit a gay pride parade in his city calling it "satanic."

His assessment is on target in every sense. Looking at the history of homosexuality since the Stonewall incident, one has to concur that a countercultural movement has become the leading cause for debauchery while attempting to gain respectability at the same time. The gay community has to be the most confused as well as the most confusing demographic in society.

Any solution to this? Let "Susan" speak out publicly regardless of the coverage or lack of coverage that may occur. Of course, there will be wrath on the order of a maelstrom from "participants." If "Susan" feels there is nothing left to live for, then it is time to go for broke and unplug the stops holding back this movement to reveal the true basis for the alternative lifestyle.

Dan said (January 28, 2010):

This case doesn't fit the pathology of a real transexual. Transexuals tended to come from single mother households, often a sons of transient prostitutes or hypersexual promiscuous mothers with their own disorders related to childhood sexual abuse who 1. hate men 2. pretend their male child is a girl and impose the clothing and role on him from birth. 3. sexually abuse the child in some way.

Sounds to me like a case of transvestitism that went terribly wrong for reasons which can't be determined from the information given. I don't believe this person was ever a real transexual. They sound like a very confused transvestite whom unfortunately had time and money for a sex change procedure in Thailand.

However, the story reminded me of a 1998 off beat film called 'Surrender Dorothy' (not the 2006 tv movie of the same name) This delusional yet not true pathological transexuality has more to do with mind control and resultant dissociative identity disorder.


(just for fun) News flash. This culture's so cheap it makes ancient Babylon look 'highbrow'. Remember when even becoming a harlot required talent and skills?

400 BC


Anthony said (January 28, 2010):

What a terrible story about/from Susan..... When I saw the title I was immediately so repulsed I didn't even want to read about it, but I'm glad I did anyway.

The awful lies we are fed about gays and trans sexuals are simply horrendous.

Susan is still a man, of course. You can molest a body, but you cannot really change it.

I'm glad you published this story and I hope and pray for Susan that he will find some peace.

Roberta said (January 28, 2010):

In the 1960s, I was in Thailand during summer vacations from studying at Pacific Lutheran University. Shocked, I was absolutely shocked at what was going on and it was the definite engineering of human beings. I saw this at age 19, when working for a man who was the first homosexual I had ever met, the "alternate lifestyle" and being a young Christian girl - the experience changed me forever. I did not have any desire to be in the world I witnessed other than to experiment a little with the various party favors offered - but, all in all it was too frightening for me.

I can see where the TV did what it has since my brother is dead and he was a TV addict. I did not watch TV much growing up and I think this made a difference in my attitude about choosing to go along with the sales programming as the trout I could certainly be (gullible hook-line-sinker type). That is how I see this stealing of our imaginations.

I am writing about it: ImaginationLackers vs. ImaginationHavers.

Those who lack imaginations manufacture an evil one to then steal the imagination from those who dream wholeness.

To separate from our whole (sexual identity is our self, first), is indeed to wander in what you said, Susan: a deathless suicide.

UNLESS the human purpose is found: what is done is done.

Rembrandt was the greatest artist we have had in the human experience and he painted the human being for what he saw: suffering. We choose and then live with our choices and this is the greatest battle we face to sort through all the memories we take where ever we go and can we live with our memory choices, thought forms which appear to have a subtle body always more in control than we understand?

I believe, it is, we must suffer in order to understand how much suffering there is and there has never been in the history of human beings other than learning the art of suffering. Humans who appear to not suffer indeed cannot not suffer since we are all connected. Your suffering Susan causes me to cry and this is because I, too, have been engineered, radiated at a military hospital in the new machinery sold (1948) before 6 mos old to sterilize the second girl child born to a military officer (father) - not one of us has not - and in essence we have not a clue as to what is real and not.

Thank you again for the courage to be.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at