JC said (June 21, 2021):

I do admire you for being so transparent with those of us who "listen to
you."

One of the great lessons of life is that we don't get to choose our parents.

"Good or bad," we just get them, and they get us. So it is with our fathers.

The unfortunate part about this situation is that none of us are prepared to handle the "job" -

being a dad or being a son. I know because I am both. And I have screwed up. The good news is

I learned to forgive my father for what I thought he didn't do and thank him for what he did.

Hopefully, my sons will do the same.

Tim S said (June 21, 2021):

Very touching and powerful post and to some degree I can relate to it, as my father could be a hard man but I was fortunate as with counselling I made peace in my heart with him years before he died unlike some of my siblings. I have said that he would not have been my first choice as a father, but considering how he grew up he was a very good father and I have tried to be a better father myself and my son with children has been a better father than myself. My only regret was not having thanked him for being my father before he died.

Davi said (June 21, 2021):

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your Father's Day message. I found it very moving. I am so very sorry to hear of your father's passing, and the circumstances of his final days. Damn those who gave him that vaccine. He sounds like a man that triumphed over great adversity.

Your father's story made me think of my own family's experiences in the old country from one generation earlier, where "beyond the pale", my great grandmother watched her mother be murdered by Cossacks in the pogrom and had to pretend she was Polish and that her brother was deaf and mute for the months-long ship ride to Ellis Island. (She actually had red hair and spoke Polish, but her brother only spoke Yiddish.)

And yet, through it all, she came out on the other side, scarred, but built a life and a family in the United States. She too lived a full life until the age of 96. As we hurdle ever further into the deep recesses of the moral abyss, we should remember where we come from and remind ourselves that we, too, can overcome.

Claudia said (June 20, 2021):

Thak you Henry for expressing with words what I've been feeling lately.

My dad too was very strict, he once told my brother he was not his friend, so I never ever tried to befriend him.

He's never believed in me and questions everything I do even though I'm an overachiever too. I have a very nice family with 4 good kids and a great husband and I never gave him any problems.
Last year he stopped speaking to me because I visited them without a facemask and I dared question it's effectiveness and the whole Plandemic. I visited again for father's day, wearing a mask this time. So sad, to not have a relationship with him. My mom is to blame too, she never vouched for me, and the one time we were finally getting close, she got jealous and sabotaged the possibility of that ever happening.

Anyway, your post has made me reflect on being more mature and on how life is too short. I'm going to try again to make a connection with my dad, before he's gone and before it's too late.

Kenny said (June 20, 2021):

So much , or perhaps everything you say is so right on.
My dad is 82 . Hes also such an antagonist in my life. I mourn for your loss for that complicated yet beautiful in it's own way and in its longevity and perhaps in its permanence

Perhaps the spirit world is a thin one. Its striking to me that most every major world religion and construct is against the communications with Spirits , if it's not the spirit they wish you to commune with

My solemn wish and prayer is that there IS something after this life .

Perhaps everything does happen for a reason . Perhaps your father was the way he was exactly so that you would mature into the insightful honest kind compassionate man that you are dear cyber traveller and friend

I too was born jewish and clearly see the Cabals blatant psychological games and manipulations. Perhaps as jews we can see it clearer I dont know

Blessings to you . May the love of your father fill you. He loved you Henry in his own way, and I imagine very deeply

JG said (June 20, 2021):

I can relate to this article, this being Father's Day. I lost my father when I was 22 years old.
I was a disobedient child for many years. I was poisoned by the sub-culture of the late 60s that encouraged the youth of America to reject authority and to disrespect their parents. They then flooded the economy with psychedelic drugs and pornography. This was all done under the name of "freedom".
In the end it was my father who was right all along.

DBM said (June 20, 2021):

Good article... But you do hold grudges. Don't lie.

David said (June 20, 2021):

I saw some of myself in your relation with your dad: mine was an overachiever all his life who regarded sons as carbon copies, and whose futures must be molded with -- if necessary -- physical punishment and verbal ridicule to ensure the same outcome. When life didn't turn out that way and the realization finally dawned that a son, although made of the same genetic material, is still a unique being whose mindset and goals might be the total opposite of what the father expected, he wrote me a long letter that used the medieval image of an old man on his deathbed being assailed by spirits and demons fighting over possession of his eternal soul.

My dad wrote that those weren't really goblins, but merely the old man's thoughts tormenting him about things he should have done differently in life. It was the closest he ever came to saying, "I'm sorry for what I did to you as a child." When he died a few years later I was the only person at his bedside in the ICU.

Ken Adachi said (June 20, 2021):

I'm sorry you didn't have the warm and fond relationship that most kids of our generation had with their father. It's a tremendous loss to both father and son. Love is what counts within a family. The warm memories of a caring parent stay with you forever and carry the torch along to the next generation who gained the warmth from you.

I'm glad to read your heart won out in the end. I'm sure your father felt it as surely as you did.

Gary said (June 21, 2020):

I don’t think a parent should ever tell their child, “I am not your friend,” regardless of what they mean by it.
Why not? Because I choose my friends! The choice is completely mine. If I choose you as my friend, you have no say in the matter. If you say no, too bad. You are my friend because I say so.
Who are you to decide for your child that you are not their friend? The choice is theirs, not yours.
To a child, the word “friend” carries DEEP meaning. There are many kids in this world desperately looking for a friend. They seek after friendship. As a child grows, they may end up choosing bad friends simply because they find a person or group of people who accept them.
After all, they may have had a parent who has told them they are not their friend. Why should they go to them now?

Parents, you are a companion to your child in this life, especially when they are young. Be a friend and companion to your child. Your child needs someone in this life to walk alongside them without judgment. What a wonderful thing for a child to choose their parent as their friend! If they do, accept!

Good discussion on this subject, Henry. Thanks!

Evan said (June 20, 2020):

Having read the post you made today (June 20th, 2020) about your experiences as a rather rejected father figure to your left-leaning son, I would like to let you know that you have fathered such a wealth of well-meaning and intellectual work. Do not believe that because he has not followed in your footsteps that you have failed. Nay, as I believe many of us faithfully continue to stumble down the path you have beaten down with your words, and as your predecessors, we are grateful sons by heart.

DB said (June 19, 2018):

I would like to share my personal experiences regarding fatherhood. I lost my father to cancer when I was 12. He was very strict and not very affectionate, but I loved and respected him.

I married a beautiful Hispanic lady when I was 19 years old and helped raise her 3 year old girl and 8 year old boy. I didn't know how to be a father, but our little family did everything together. I guess I was not much more than a kid myself, and treated the children as friends somewhat. I didn't realize how much they loved me and admired me at the time. My wife couldn't have any more children during our marriage.

I made a terrible mistake and got involved with another woman while working away from home for extended periods of time. I divorced my first wife and remarried. I had five children with my second wife and I was a very good father to them. I played with them, taught them, attended church regularly, provided additional religious instruction at home, put them through college, but did not try to just be their friend.

When the children were all adults I divorced their emotionally abusive, personality disordered mother. To my great shock and emotional pain, the children turned against me - even though they had all been emotionally, and sometimes physically, abused by their mother. Six years later I only have one daughter that is friendly with me.

I am now remarried with my first wife and we are more in love than any two people I have ever known. My step-daughter was killed in a vehicle accident many years ago, but my step-son is so grateful that I am back in his life and taking care of his mother. He expresses his love to me frequently. I would have expected him to resent me for abandoning his mother and his sister and him. It humbles me and causes me joy at the same time.

My natural children had so much more of my time and energy than my step-son, but they apparently did not appreciate it. I will never comprehend their lack of love for a good father. It causes me great pain because I loved them all dearly.

Your article touched me, and I just wanted to share my own experiences with you.

David L said (June 18, 2018):

My son is my best friend. If I need a second opinion, I always bounce an idea off him.

He is never too busy, to not care for a need (give me some help) that may come up in my life.

My goal, as he grew up (despite my rocky marriage), was to get him off to a good start.

Three important things: Have a spiritual faith, be in business so you can steer your life, and stay out of debt.

He is happily married, with two sons.

Very successful in business.

Derek said (June 17, 2018):

thought this a perfect aside to your recent article.

Boiler Room father/son meeting: “I’m not your best friend - that’s your mother’s racket - I’m your father”.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PCdbKQ9vODU

HW said (June 21, 2015):

If only I had had a father or even merely a father figure who was a friend. Instead, I had a stepfather who was mostly an irresponsible, vulgar, and thuggish individual. He never instilled any confidence in me, as a man.

On the contrary. Whenever I would start to take an interest in something, he would be right there to deride it and sap the joy out of life. My school teachers would always comment to my mother about how intelligent I was and about how I could easily move ahead a couple of grades. Despite this positive feedback, good old stepfather would swoop right in to tell me otherwise and mock me. In addition to the verbal belittling, he would frequently kick or punch me if I disrespected him. It had a huge impact. It was like having an enemy living right in my house.

Olivia's comment is right on the money. I had no approval from a father figure in my life and I ended up drifting under a dark cloud. I became a withdrawn young man whose confidence in himself was destroyed. I aimlessly drifted through high school, friendless and severely depressed, and ended up dropping out in Grade Eleven. I even contemplated suicide a few times. To this day, I am bitter about my stepfather's influence and still have little direction in my life. It's only due to my intelligence and my perfectionist work ethic (which I believe is a latent effort to try to seek approval) that I have been able to back myself into various professional jobs over the years.

In my personal life, I have never had any lasting relationships on either a platonic or romantic level. I have a very difficult time trusting people and am cynical with respect to their motives. I've even battled homosexual feelings, which I believe is some kind of overcompensatory psychological way of attempting to attain the male approval and bonding I was missing early on.

To all the fathers out there, just remember that your sons (especially) and daughters are watching you. I believe there's no greater responsibility in life than bringing up your children correctly. Don't take it lightly. There's a marked difference between what some have termed "tough love" and totally annihilating your child's confidence. Show your boys how to be good men. Lead by example.

Tyron said (June 20, 2015):

The question of whether a Dad should be a Father or Friend isn't the question because that is an "either-or".

One should be a Dad, a "father" until the child passes into the phase of being a young grown-up. The more they enter this phase the less control a parent has, and it at this point one should also start the transition from "father" into "friend".

This doesn't mean that when your child retains full control of their own world one should push off the role as parent all together, but rather that when that level is achieved, a parent should work from the station of being more of a friend than a parent if not simply to retain influence over your offspring .

After all, when a parent has only the tool of reason left they sure won't be able to exert it if they are a parent only.

Linda said (June 16, 2013):

Might I add to your title and write it as, Should a Father be His Son's and Daughter's Friend? Never underestimate the father's influence on his daughter.

Often her perception of the ideal male can be enhanced or distorted by the kind of relationship she had with her dad. Or more importantly the kind of relationship her dad had with her mom.

There is a wonderful saying I saw written on a plaque in the home of a couple whose marriage I greatly admire.

It read: The greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother.

Children learn what they live - the old saying tells us. I am sure the above saying is greatly distorted by those men affected by the sixties "Sexual Revolution" that still rages today. I imagine it might even be difficult to interpret because love is so often equated with sex appeal.

Sons and daughters need good, strong, godly fathers who understand the responsibility they have as the heads of their homes. They must lead by example and they must do it lovingly.

The benefit to future generations, for both sons and daughters, is immeasurable.

Rolph said (June 16, 2013):

As a father, grand-father and great-grand-father myself, I know and learned my lessons the 'hard way', lessons NOT taught in our Schools of Higher Learning. In our western nations, fathers have been under attack by anti-Christian, anti-societal elements for a number of decades. They have successfully implemented the destruction of the family by attacking the supposed to be principal headship of a family - the father, they way the Creator intended it.

You are absolutely correct Henry, when you stated that: "Playboy and Playmates in retrospect, distorted your perception of women and undermined my future relationships. I believed a woman's beauty and sex appeal were the Holy Grail.

Like you, I fell for it in my youth. But I like to add, together with the educational and entertainment industry, and supported
political process, this was the primary cause of western societies downfall and the reason, why "Father knows best" became extinct, and the end results are self-evident as we see today.

Have a Happy Fathers Day.

Olivia said (June 16, 2013):

The only thing a son needs from his father is his approval, if he does not get it he is pretty much under a dark cloud for the rest of his life. No, father should not be friends.

Asim said (June 16, 2013):

Loved your article on fatherhood. I am too, a father, to a beautiful 6 year old boy, Haris. I love him like crazy and to this day, have never stopped telling him how much I love him. My wife, however, scolds me for 'spoiling him' and being more of an 'older brother' to him than a dad. I don't see anything wrong with this-I discipline him when need be and have observed that fathers in general are lacking in showing their physical love toward their sons with detrimental effect I believe. My father was devoid of any display of physical love but was swift in condemnation and rebuke. This left me suffering from a great sense of anxiety and loss of any real sense of identity.

Marcos put it so beautifully when he said that God eventually takes the place of a failed father. I attest to that 150%. One should never ever underestimate the power of a fathers love toward his children, and the craving that children yearn for such love, especially boys.

Hector [reply to woman reader] said (June 16, 2013):

For a woman who describes herself as someone of "High intelligence" you seem very obtuse and close minded to even understand the dynamics behind man -woman relationships. Men and women are not equals (nevertheless the law must ensure they are treated equal) and whether you like it or not, these differences are so powerful that when the gender polarity is altered (ie. nowadays government efforts around the world are focused on neutering men and empowering women), gender relations become conflictive and misery spreads everywhere as a result of it.

Whether you like it Hypergamy (women's desire for a better than her partner) is real and so far recent research has proven that women need someone they can look up to if said union or even attraction is possible. In ancient times, being a man conferred almost immediately a greater status in reference to a woman and thus many men didn´t have to jump obstacles in order to keep their marriage stable. Nowadays it is not possible and everyone has to compete in the relationships free market described by Houllebeque (albeit this market has been distorted by feminism).

Even you yourself admitted (albeit tacitly) than you would need someone equally brilliant or even smarter than you, to keep you on your heels (I may add this person would have to be of greater status economically, socially or at least with a manly physique if he will keep your interest). That in itself disproves all the assertions you made.

JG said (June 16, 2013):

The stories we don't hear about are the Fathers who sacrificed for their family and stayed married for the sake of their children regardless of how rough the road was in their marriage. This was my Father. If he was concerned about himself first he would have "walked" on us.

There is no greater love a parent can give than to dedicate his life for his family. This has nothing to do with a real big house or fancy cars or a Father that earns a huge salary. God blessed me tremendously when he gave me the Father I once had.

Len said (June 15, 2013):

Excellent and honest thoughts on the tremendous issue of fathers and sons, Henry. Here is an article that I think throws further light on this topic from the perspective on one of the great film Directors of the 20th and 21st Centuries: I think you and your readers will enjoy it:

http://moviemezzanine.com/the-terrence-malick-retrospective-the-tree-of-life/

Nelson said (June 29, 2011):

The answer is simple. And it worked terrifically well for my children. When they were boys, I was first their father and their friend. Now that they are men, it has reversed, I am first their friend and their father. You see. It is really very simple.
My boys and now men. They have become very emotionally, socially, financially very very very successful. I have lunch with them at least once a week, and I have dinner with them as well once a week. And on top of that we go for walks once and sometimes twice a week. They and my brother are my best friends. And I am their father.

John said (June 21, 2011):

Thank you for your very and thought provoking website. Here is the URL for an article by William Grigg I think you will find supportive of your own position on the attack on manhood: http://freedominourtime.blogspot.com/. The Article is titled, "When the State Breaks a Man".

Peter said (June 20, 2011):

Raising kids requires discipline. Discipline doesn't grow on trees. It is imposed. If not by the parents during the growing years, then later by the judicial system.

Imposing discipline is not compatible with friendship. Discipline is still a fathers first duty. And if not overdone, there can be a healthy relationship that borders on friendship between father and son. I guess that is the best we can hope for. The idea that we can only be friends and impose no discipline is a pipe dream of those who overdid it and now feel sorry.

Chris said (June 19, 2011):

I too had a father that was raised to believe that you couldn't be a friend to your child, otherwise they would not respect you. That is pure hogwash.

I do not demand respect from my children, I strive through my actions to earn it. The way I look at it, unless the wise men showed up at the hospital to herald your entrance into this world, respect is not your birth right.

I try to treat my children the way I would have liked to have been treated at their ages. They are not spoiled, even if I could afford to spoil them, I would not because the real world will not bend over backwards for them when they are eventually out on their own. I am constantly told that my children are well behaved and adorable, and I give thanks to God that he hand-selected the best available angels to send here on their respective birthdays.

By the way, when my older brother was going through a 3 year painful divorce, who was the last family member to find out? My father, of course.

If your child does not think of you as a friend because you never acted like one, you only have yourself to blame if they don't confide in you when the chips are down.

Christine said (June 19, 2011):

With regard to the question of whether a father should be a friend or not: your friends did not help create you. You don't owe your existence to your friends, you owe it to your father and mother. In that sense, we all owe our parents a debt we can never repay, and at a minimum, we owe them our love and respect.

Of course, a father should be friendly towards his children. However, they can never be friends as they are with their peers because their father is not their peer. His role should be as a superior because he helped give them only what God and the child's mother gave: the gift of life. Children want and desperately need parents to be their moral guides, and to be a source of moral strength to them.

With regard to purity: St. Alphonsus teaches us that children are a trust, not a gift, from God, and something that parents will have to give a strict accounting for when they die. Parents should safeguard the purity of their children so that they do not harm themselves and others by leading a bad life.

Nurturing a child's purity is like a mother bird protecting her little one until it can fly. Children don't understand the difference between right and wrong, and it sounds like your father was confused on this subject as well. Perhaps his parents didn't teach him properly, either.

It is the role of the father and mother to help form their child's character properly, and this cannot be done by reading filth. We have done a great wrong to ourselves and society by decriminalizing filth. Legalizing it makes it seem okay because the law is a teacher. It is not okay! The Church Fathers taught that more souls go to Hell for sins of the flesh than for any other reason. It is therefore better to read spiritual books that help us to be good than read filth that teaches us to be bad and go to Hell.

Joshua said (June 19, 2011):

I think the question should not be “friend or father,” but “should fathers be friendly?”

Absolutely. A father should love his children in an externally measurable and visible way, not just some secret emotion hidden away in his heart that rarely finds expression.

Friendship never means abdicating responsibility; it’s a father’s responsibility to raise up his children in good character, and good character includes love for yourself and those around you. Even Jesus said, “Love your neighbor while you love yourself, and to the same degree.” The two are not separable.

My vote is to toss the Hegelian dialectic hogwash of “father or friend” in the trash and be friendly fathers.

Alan said (June 19, 2011):

From one Dad to another, Happy Fathers Day!

Thanks for sharing your story about your relationship with your son,dad and x wife, while you admitted your short comings and disappointments; your repentance has allowed you to teach men allover the world to stand up and be real men. Like you, I take a stand and get along with my wife, two girls and three boys because family is more important than self and my boys especially, need me to be there for them. My middle son is 17 today and I remember the doctor letting me deliver him from my wife and so today is a double blessing for me.

Have a GREAT Fathers Day,

MS said (June 19, 2011):

Hello, and happy fathers day , Mr. Makow... I would first like to start off with a kind wink and a nod,, in the Christian sense... I too had a messed up relation with my father.. He also did not believe in me , although he was on the fence between friend and father, he was more father than friend,. he would often whip me, when I just needed kindness and guidance . although, he taught me never to snitch on a friend, and would slap me if I tried to tell on a friend to get MYSELF out of a situation we we're BOTH guilty of. , He also taught me that Patience is a Virtue while I was fishing. I know that he wanted to be a friend, more than a father,,, but the old way of thinking did not allow him... he had to be Father more than friend (a pillar in the community- though now i know this is Freemason lingo- though at the time he did not).. ,, in fact , one time I was on a job with him , and things weren't going right for him so he took it out on me, and I remember thinking, ?do I even know this person? it was very weird. All I know now, is that my suun-Izaiah, (named in memory of the prophet) will be the BEST FRIEND i have ever had,, and I will try to be the best TEACHER OF TRUTH I can be..

Victoria said (June 19, 2011):

My answer would be 'no, no, no - a thousand times, no', at least, not until a son has matured enough to break free of his father and become his own man.

My family has been destroyed, mostly by a man who refused to accept his responsibilities as a father and as a husband (and yes, I am far from guiltless in the situation since my efforts to save the marriage were directed towards trying to change him rather than removing myself from the situation; but then, it is often much more difficult for a woman to leave her family than for a man). Even now, with his children in their 20's he refuses to play the role he chose in becoming a father, preferring to be his children's (a daughter and two sons) 'buddy' and 'cool' in the knowledge of insignificant things than to be a moral compass for his family.

A few months ago, my younger son said to me, "I have a father who wants to be my friend and I hate it". It seems to me that your father got it 'right' in following the guidelines of the time and being your father and not your friend. Friends can be 'a dime a dozen' but you only have one father. As with most things these days, and unlike in the past when family and society reinforced the expected performance of our roles, we now have to make our own conscious choices about how we choose to live our lives. We forget that, 'with great power comes great responsibility'.

In keeping with this theme of the modern father's tendency to play the part of a friend, rather than a father, attached is an article from 'The Times' of London from sometime last year that my son sent to me:

Mujisa said (June 19, 2011):

as a Christian we are taught in Romans 8:28 that 'we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [His] purpose.' That emphasis is mine but how important is that emphasis! Looking back at your life and your search for meaning would you ever have reached the powerful conclusion that 'life has inherent meaning' if you had not at first begun your search? And the start of your search begins with the parents God gave you, remember, 'all things work together for good'.

You may feel that you are not using your degree but I believe this is a lie of the devil, he is the greatest trickster and liar. The sheer number of people such as myself that you have directed away from the traps and illusions of our current society by your articles and analysis of theologies, discourse and philosophies is a testament to your father, your decisions and 'mistakes'. They led you here, to where you are now, reading my email and I pray receiving the peace of Jesus that the world cannot give. Our God is good, rest on His promise that 'all things work together for good to them that love God'.

Dan said (June 19, 2011):

Father's didn't know any better than to let sons have Playboy back then. They seemed to think it would make boys mature faster. Who knew the insidious psychological effect of giving pubescent boys "visual crack"photos of unattainable young adult females? HEFNER, that's who. I remember everybody thought Playboy made you more mature, when it did the opposite for reasons I won't detail here. Suffice it to say we know now that 'mature' (sex) material shouldn't be given to boys or girls.

It's my understanding that before the world wars boys anywhere were self sufficient men by age 18. Families were large; fathers had little free time for all of them. When father came home the mother usually presented him with a list of sons' errors to be addressed before dad could relax for dinner. No wonder men were stern.

Happy Father's Day!