Lament of a Spurned Homemaker
June 3, 2011
"This guy was like a John-Boy Walton since I met him, and now I don't know who he is at all. It's been scary at times."
by Jessica Orzech
(henrymakow.com)
I loved being his wife...I knew from age six that I wanted to be the wife of a loving Christian man. I married my husband of twenty years knowing full well that I did not need or want power, but love, protection and devotion.
My husband filled all the gaps and voids in my life and helped me clear the baggage I brought with me. I thought the years were bringing us closer, as we complimented each others' strengths and diminished each others' weaknesses. I was so happy with his leadership and guidance and most of all, his love and loyalty.
We did have and read the books by the Andelins, and found a sense of peace in knowing that our roles were not equal, but complementary.
I cannot fully express the joy I had and the worth I felt in doing things like cleaning our home, cooking meals, and doing all he things that make a house a home. Every moment of every day no matter where I was, I thought of my husband's needs first and made him my priority in life. Even folding and ironing his clothes were sacred moments to me, as love went into every fold and crease with gratitude to God for the opportunity to serve a man who appreciated me and my efforts.
My life revolved around my husband's as scripture states in Jeremiah 31:22 "...for the LORD hath created a new thing in the earth, A woman shall compass a man."
We were very happy for many years, but all seemed to change when my health took a downward turn. I could sense he was pulling away from our relationship. My questions were met with ridicule and he said I was "too dependent" on him. He began to look at me with disdain and resentment. I became even more depressed and suffered from shingles and nerve damage.
The more questions I had, the angrier he became. He said my life was worthless and I had nothing "going for me" beyond the home. I was living the life I had always dreamed. I thought he was living his dream as well.
DOUBLE LIFE
Relentless and probing questions finally brought forth an admission that he was leading a double life. He said he called an escort service a few times, but never wanted to pay the price. He came home with expensive perfume all over his shirt one day. The empty condom wrapper in his truck "belonged to a co-worker who used the vehicle." I could no longer get straight answers and was often lied to.
He no longer wanted any responsibility or felt a manly need to be accountable. He no longer valued having an "old fashioned" wife, and became resentful at being exposed. I became very angry at what he was putting me through.
What surprised me most was that he was stonewalling my efforts to save our marriage. He said that all I had ever done for him were things he could do for himself. This devaluing of my existence was his way of writing me off. This "man of God" even laughed at me when I warned that there are spiritual consequences for his decisions!
His actions and words now defined a new view (or his true view) of women. Women with careers who didn't 'need' a man were now desirable; women who could "hold their own" and show their power seemed to delight him. He saw many 'liberated' and 'successful' women who didn't depend on a man, would cheat on their husbands, and had many more assets than his wife. There was no room for a wife that has medical issues and needs help.
I just can't wrap my mind around how trusting I was, and that I really thought no power on earth could separate us. He was an ordained man in our church. We used to pray together. We built our only home together. This guy was like a John-Boy Walton since I met him, and now I don't know who he is at all. It's been scary at times.
COMING TO TERMS
Sometimes my moods fluctuate day to day, bewildered, angry, hurt, sad, fearful of trusting anyone at this point. Other times I feel melancholy and miss him.
And on good days I really see my worth in Christ, days I need more of.
So I am working through this, albeit slowly. I journal almost daily because I've always enjoyed writing...I even write out prayers, especially when it feels as if God doesn't hear me. :)
What's sad is that he robbed me of everything that really mattered...I can't stand not having any normalcy in my life anymore, and I feel overwhelmed with the idea of a life outside of the home...ha ha...what home? He abandoned me 1500 miles from home! I am just trying hard to get back to my home state and hopefully, with God's blessing, things will work out for me.
Now I have to fight to keep out of the satanic system designed to enslave me into subsidized poverty, and this is not easy, as the savings he allowed me are gone, and he has decided to not be responsible for me in any way whatsoever.
I am homeless, currently unemployable, and have to depend on the kindness and generosity of others and whomever God inspires to help me stay close to Him by staying away from the most sinful and hateful society that just wants me out there slaving for TPTB.
I can only surmise that the Luciferian Illuminati has successfully destroyed my marriage through their propaganda of lies, illicit sex, and pornography, appealing to the desires, greed, and self absorption of the damaged male psyche.
My husband did not see a danger in crossing the line of marriage vows. He did not pay any mind to the scriptures he once claimed to live by, which formerly set him above most males.
He thinks he's a free man now, and knows not that he is held captive by the forces he once claimed to fight against.
He's turned away from God, and subsequently has thrown me into their world where the dangers ahead are more than I can bear alone.
He had accused me of wanting 'an easy life', and so he is now punishing me for his unfaithfulness by making sure life is as tough as it can get for me now. We were never wealthy by worldly standards, and now I am at a loss due to everything he has stolen from me...not just the material world of having a home and a safe place to be, and food on the table, but of all the richness of being one flesh I once thought we would share forever.
I can honestly state with certainty that he should be grateful that his 'best man' is not alive today because that MAN would have surely killed my husband...this is no joke.
In his last conversation by phone last year he said he no longer cares about what anyone thinks of him or his actions....I guess that includes God Himself.
Jessica (author) said (June 6, 2011):
Yes,I saw the article...I have to thank you because seeing it was a healing moment for me. I just felt heard and understood by folks of like mind.
We never had children, but I wanted at least four. God never blessed us in that way. We did have the opportunity in 2005 to adopt a baby in an easy adoption, and I wanted to, but my husband robbed me of that also. I felt that decision was sinful, as my heart can love any children.
I had a part time job for two years as a tour guide at YY around 2003, which was extra $ for building our home. In the 90's I also worked part time as a tour guide at XX for about three years. I loved both jobs as they are more like teaching, and I specialized in children's tours.
Funny, Saturday I rec'd papers from my husband's female attorney...they want me to sign away all rights to everything. I can comprehend enough of the legal jargon to know I should not sign them. Just when I think I can't be shocked anymore, I get surprised.
Henry, he didn't just leave me, he cut out everyone he knew, like he left to another planet! Friends, ministers, doctors, barber, etc. many have been hurt and stunned. Normal guys don't do that, nor do they leave their wives destitute. This has been freaky for all!
I just passed the one year mark since he left, and honestly, without God, I wouldn't have lived through it. And you know what I've learned about myself? I allowed a man, my husband, to come before God too often in my life. I was guilty of idolatry! But that's another story....
There could be many factors as to why I have the adrenal disorder/shingles. I know the back and hip problems became worse from being literally thrown around, and abused, which only happened when I was onto the truth. His last assault to my face caused tooth loss and dental bills. I was told by an MD that I am in constant 'fight or flight' response from being so scared. I refused to take pills, so I treat myself with homeopathic meds and supplements. I have improved over the year, but until I get settled someplace, its an uphill battle.
His sexual addiction began at age ten, and now he can't stand the fact that I know the truth, so dumping me is the easiest way, I guess. And dumping everyone else shows me that he wants to hold onto his facade and surround himself with new people who know nothing about him.
Only intervention from God will bring him around, and my pastor said that my husband has given himself over to a reprobate mind. It's as if he lost his conscience.