Men - Seek Helpmates, Not Soulmates
April 26, 2014
Thomas Hardy and T.S. Eliot married their secretaries.
Dostoyevsky married his translator. I married my webmaster.
It was love at first site.
"Love perfection but do not seek it in a flawed fellow human being, a woman. "
"And God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him." Genesis 2:18
by Henry Makow Ph.D.
I wish I understood the following 40 years ago when I was 24.
Men, marry a helpmate, not a soulmate. I have been married to one for 13 years. It works for me. If you can find a "soulmate," I tip my hat to you.
To those who say helpmates are boring, I say "hallelujah." I don't depend on my marriage for excitement. However, my wife is not what feminists call "a doormat." She has a masters degree and a career. She's smart, honest and has a good sense of humor.
"You contradict everything I say," I tell her.
"Not all the time," she replies.
So, here's my advice in ten points.
1. Man is governed by his thoughts. Imagine a steak and he salivates. Imagine a beautiful half-naked woman in handcuffs and he gets aroused. Whoever controls his thoughts controls him. Obviously, it's best if he controls his own thoughts.
2. Society suffers from mass hypnosis. We have been inducted by Hollywood into a bogus religion of sex and relationships. Hollywood's Cabalist Jewish assumptions have become our assumptions. They include: 1. Romantic "love" is the meaning and purpose of life. 2. Male life is impossible without women who are paragons of virtue and beauty. 3. Since sex with these angels is the highest experience in life, they do us a huge favor by sleeping with us. (Ethereal beings, they have no sexual needs.) The drumbeat, "you're so wonderful; I need your love and can't live without you" is repeated ad nauseam by popular music.
3. Romantic love is framed in quasi-religious terms. "Love" is an ersatz of our relationship to God. We love perfection. People are not perfect. Our love should properly be directed toward self-perfection. We do not require any other love-object but God, i.e. the person God wants us to be. "Be ye therefore perfect even as your father in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:48. The soulmate we seek is really God.
4. For heterosexual men, "love" usually involves a woman. But, are women lovable? Most men mistake sexual attraction for love. After survival, sex is our most powerful natural instinct. But that's all it is. Programming. We shouldn't allow nature to control us any more than Hollywood.
5. In the "olden days," men looked for women who could cook, clean, sew, milk the cow and look after babies. Sometimes they could play the piano. Nowadays, many young women think they need to be good for one thing only, and that gets old fast.
6. Men were not intended to "love" women in the sense of adore them. That invariably leads to trouble. We adore what we want and we want sex. But that gives them too much power. Let's look at women, minus sex appeal. Let's demystify them.
Women are different from men. They tend to be more passive, emotional, subjective and concerned with down-to-earth practical considerations. On walks, my wife warns me about stepping in dog shit. I have my head in the clouds. She has her feet on the ground.
Women are primarily interested in security and perhaps are less scrupulous than men. They tend to be insecure and harbor feelings of worthlessness unless a man gives them purpose. These are fine qualities in a helpmate but not a soulmate.
Paradoxically, this kind of realism makes a man more attractive to women who naturally disdain men they can control. They want to be lovingly controlled. I realize these are generalizations but we need a better template.
7. The whole concept of a "soulmate" is bogus and extremely selfish. It's based on a time when women weren't expected to think. They would adopt their man's ideas as well as his name. Many young men are still looking for these "soulmates."
8. Distance is actually better than intimacy. It's intimacy elevated to a higher level. It involves a realization that "hey, you're totally different from me" and "are pretty limited in some ways" but "so am I in other ways and we don't have to be alike." It involves respecting differences.
"Love" as commonly understood forces people to be too close. It holds men and women to an impossible standard. We're not all that lovable. I'll settle for a bond based on respect, trust, consideration and gratitude. Marriage is better when the societal pressure "to be in love" is removed.
9. Sorry but I love the people who help me and give me the benefit of the doubt. It makes me want to encourage and help them. We need to clear away the romantic mist and recognize that the basis of real love is mutual dependence and not sex appeal. It took me a lifetime to understand there is no correlation between a woman's appearance and her character.
10. We don't recognize how oppressive and time consuming our sexual obsession really is. We're feel-good addicts. We've been trained to search for that "special someone" who will make us "feel good." Usually, this ends in disaster because we cannot depend on others for this and call it love.
In conclusion, women used to get their meaning from serving husband and family and being loved in return. They have been reprogrammed to be selfish instead. Their hearts and their minds are at war. They are ticking time bombs.
There is no Santa Claus. "Romantic love" is a crock. It's usually based on some perceived advantage rather than any genuine feeling. It's a woman's thing, and turns men into women. I hate to see another man waste his life chasing this chimera.
I advise men to seek the companionship of women who want to serve them and their goals, who want to have their children and make a home. Love perfection but do not try to find it in a flawed fellow human being.
Related- Men, Design Your Perfect 10
First Comment by Lola- The Man's Side of the Help Mate Bargain:
Did I miss something in today's article?
In return for a woman being a helpmate to man, bearing his children, and rearing them, attending to everyone's spiritual, physical and emotional needs, part of a real man's goals should be to help make his woman's dreams come true. Does she want a happy home with three kids and playroom? Does she want to stay home with the kids full- or part-time to help ensure the government is not completely indoctrinating them through public schools? Does she want a nice dining room to host Thanksgiving? Does she want you to focus on building a secure life so she can tend to the needs of children in an every-increasingly crazy world? Men, that is what makes women feel loved--helping to build her dreams while she helps build yours.
Your «Seek Helpmates» hits the proverbial nail on the head. You are NOT alone in realizing these truths somewhat later, rather than early on.
I suffered horribly from «being a romantic», and chasing all the unattainable, yet seemingly perfect «Les Wilis» (spirits). One woman, to this day, regrets throwing out all my amazing, uber-romantic love poems (inspired by her); an action dictated by her confused state of mind, thanks to the bi-polar nature of over-the-top absurd romanticism directed towards newbie feminist hysteria.
Despite a plethora of perfectly good, kind hearted, helpful, and attractive women; I seemed driven to chase down and capture «the goddess.» Unfortunately, the majority of such «goddess» creatures were racked with psychological issues and conditions, from anorexia to kleptomania, and far beyond - often creating even dangerous relations. It became obvious that society was targeting such people, through indirect as well as direct means.
Talk about giving up one's innate power?!?
It wasn't just a somewhat faulty family dynamic that inspired this - it is was plain old programming, like the kind you find on TV. The average dating period, at that time in my life, never went over six months. Sadly, few - if any of these love interests ever remained even friends.
On any and every level, it was all an absurd waste, based on pulling out the dysfunctional threads of a problematic family life, followed by the enhanced narcissism and hedonism programmed into a young, open mind.
Even the clothes of the period (1970s and early 80s) tell the story. Young men were pushed towards decidedly feminized fashions, with blousy shirts, skirt-like, large bell-bottom pants, and platform shoes; while young women moved either from the demure towards sex vixen outfits (like super short hot pants), or took on masculinized (see: Annie Hall) garb. This was just before the «I hate you - come here-go away», blackened eyes, bitch-vixen look, of the late 80s and early 90s fashions for women. And the Wall Street shark/slime-ball look, in that same following period, for men.
Finally, after «growing up», as well as reassessing the true nature and meaning of manhood, I began to see that the «Babe-age Factor» is quite short-lived, and utility - in the end - actually DOES become the real romance. It took a long time, but, at long last, I can now appreciate and respect ALL aspects of true womanhood, including those that ARE attainable, like; loyalty, exclusivity, trust, honor, faith, patience, charm, and the simple pleasure of just «being» with an important member of that gender that is different from my own... Vive la difference!
Don't believe it? Just ask my wife of seventeen years.
Comments for "Men - Seek Helpmates, Not Soulmates "
Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at