Men - Seek Helpmates, Not Soulmates

April 26, 2014


GirlFridayImage.jpg

Thomas Hardy and T.S. Eliot married their secretaries.
Dostoyevsky married his translator. I married my webmaster.
It was love at first site.








"Love perfection but do not seek it in a flawed fellow human being, a woman. "

"And God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him."  Genesis 2:18



by Henry Makow Ph.D.

I wish I understood the following 40 years ago when I was 24.

Men, marry a helpmate, not a soulmate. I have been married to one for 13 years. It works for me. If you can find a "soulmate," I tip my hat to you.

To those who say helpmates are boring, I say "hallelujah." I don't depend on my marriage for excitement.  However, my wife is not what feminists call "a doormat." She has a masters degree and a career. She's smart, honest and has a good sense of humor.

"You contradict everything I say," I tell her.
"Not all the time," she replies.

So, here's my advice in ten points.

1. Man
is governed by his thoughts. Imagine a steak and he salivates. Imagine a beautiful half-naked woman in handcuffs and he gets aroused. Whoever controls his thoughts controls him. Obviously, it's best if he controls his own thoughts.

2. Society suffers from mass hypnosis. 
We have been inducted by Hollywood into a bogus religion of sex and relationships. Hollywood's Cabalist Jewish  assumptions have become our assumptions. They include: 1. Romantic "love" is the meaning and purpose of life. 2. Male life is impossible without women who are paragons of virtue and beauty.  3. Since sex with these angels is the highest experience in life, they do us a huge favor by sleeping with us. (Ethereal beings, they have no sexual needs.)  The drumbeat, "you're so wonderful; I need your love and can't live without you" is repeated ad nauseam by popular music.

3.
Romantic love is framed in quasi-religious terms. "Love" is an ersatz of our relationship to God. We love perfection. People are not perfect. Our love should properly be directed toward self-perfection. We do not require any other love-object but God, i.e. the person God wants us to be. "Be ye therefore perfect even as your father in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:48.
The soulmate we seek is really God.

4. For heterosexual men, "love" usually involves a woman.  But, are women lovable? Most men mistake sexual attraction for love. After survival, sex is our most powerful natural instinct. But that's all it is. Programming. We shouldn't allow nature to control us any more than Hollywood.

5. In the "olden days," men looked for women who could cook, clean, sew, milk the cow and look after babies. Sometimes they could play the piano.  Nowadays, many young women think they need to be good for one thing only, and that gets old fast.

6. Men were not intended to "love" women in the sense of adore them. That invariably leads to trouble. We adore what we want and we want sex. But that gives them too much power. Let's look at women, minus sex appeal. Let's demystify them.

Women are different from men. They tend to be more passive, emotional, subjective and concerned with down-to-earth practical considerations. On walks, my wife warns me about stepping in dog shit. I have my head in the clouds. She has her feet on the ground.

Women are primarily interested in security and perhaps are less scrupulous than men. They tend to be insecure and harbor feelings of worthlessness unless a man gives them purpose. These are fine qualities in a helpmate but not a soulmate.

Paradoxically, this kind of realism makes a man more attractive to women who naturally disdain men they can control. They want to be lovingly controlled. I realize these are generalizations but we need a better template.

7. The whole concept of a "soulmate" is bogus and extremely selfish. It's based on a time when women weren't expected to think. They would adopt their man's ideas as well as his name. Many young men are still looking for these "soulmates."

8.  Distance is actually better than intimacy. It's intimacy elevated to a higher level. It involves a realization that "hey, you're totally different from me" and "are pretty limited in some ways" but "so am I in other ways and we don't have to be alike." It involves respecting differences.


"Love" as commonly understood forces people to be too close. It holds men and women to an impossible standard.  We're not all that lovable. I'll settle for a bond based on respect, trust, consideration and gratitude. Marriage is better when the societal pressure "to be in love" is removed.

9. Sorry but I love the people who help me and give me the benefit of the doubt. It makes me want to encourage and help them. We need to clear away the romantic mist and recognize that the basis of real love is mutual dependence and not sex appeal. It took me a lifetime to understand there is no correlation between a woman's appearance and her character. 

10. We don't recognize how oppressive and time consuming our sexual obsession really is.
We're feel-good addicts. We've been trained to search for that "special someone" who will make us "feel good."  Usually, this ends in disaster because we cannot depend on others for this and call it love.

In conclusion, women used to get their meaning from serving husband and family and being loved in return. They have been reprogrammed to be selfish instead. Their hearts and their minds are at war. They are ticking time bombs.

There is no Santa Claus. "Romantic love" is a crock. It's usually based on some perceived advantage rather than any genuine feeling. It's a woman's thing, and turns men into women. I hate to see another man waste his life chasing this chimera.

I advise men to seek the companionship of women who want to serve them and their goals, who want to have their children and make a home. Love perfection but do not try to find it in a flawed fellow human being.

---
Related- Men, Design Your Perfect 10

First Comment by Lola- The Man's Side of the Help Mate Bargain:

Did I miss something in today's article?
 
In return for a woman being a helpmate to man, bearing his children, and rearing them, attending to everyone's spiritual, physical and emotional needs,  part of a real man's goals should be to help make his woman's dreams come true. Does she want a happy home with three kids and playroom? Does she want to stay home with the kids full- or part-time to help ensure the government is not completely indoctrinating them through public schools?  Does she want a nice dining room to host Thanksgiving? Does she want you to focus on building a secure life so she can tend to the needs of children in an every-increasingly crazy world? Men, that is what makes women feel loved--helping to build her dreams while she helps build yours.

Christopher writes:

Your «Seek Helpmates» hits the proverbial nail on the head. You are NOT alone in realizing these truths somewhat later, rather than early on.

I suffered horribly from «being a romantic», and chasing all the unattainable, yet seemingly perfect «Les Wilis» (spirits). One woman, to this day, regrets throwing out all my amazing, uber-romantic love poems (inspired by her); an action dictated by her confused state of mind, thanks to the bi-polar nature of over-the-top absurd romanticism directed towards newbie feminist hysteria.

Despite a plethora of perfectly good, kind hearted, helpful, and attractive women; I seemed driven to chase down and capture «the goddess.» Unfortunately, the majority of such «goddess» creatures were racked with psychological issues and conditions, from anorexia to kleptomania, and far beyond - often creating even dangerous relations. It became obvious that society was targeting such people, through indirect as well as direct means.

Talk about giving up one's innate power?!?

It wasn't just a somewhat faulty family dynamic that inspired this - it is was plain old programming, like the kind you find on TV. The average dating period, at that time in my life, never went over six months. Sadly, few - if any of these love interests ever remained even friends.

On any and every level, it was all an absurd waste, based on pulling out the dysfunctional threads of a problematic family life, followed by the enhanced narcissism and hedonism programmed into a young, open mind.

Even the clothes of the period (1970s and early 80s) tell the story. Young men were pushed towards decidedly feminized fashions, with blousy shirts, skirt-like, large bell-bottom pants, and platform shoes; while young women moved either from the demure towards sex vixen outfits (like super short hot pants), or took on masculinized (see: Annie Hall) garb. This was just before the «I hate you - come here-go away», blackened eyes, bitch-vixen look, of the late 80s and early 90s fashions for women. And the Wall Street shark/slime-ball look, in that same following period, for men.

Finally, after «growing up», as well as reassessing the true nature and meaning of manhood, I began to see that the «Babe-age Factor» is quite short-lived, and utility - in the end - actually DOES become the real romance. It took a long time, but, at long last, I can now appreciate and respect ALL aspects of true womanhood, including those that ARE attainable, like; loyalty, exclusivity, trust, honor, faith, patience, charm, and the simple pleasure of just «being» with an important member of that gender that is different from my own... Vive la difference!

Don't believe it? Just ask my wife of seventeen years.





Comments for "Men - Seek Helpmates, Not Soulmates "

V said (April 27, 2014):

Another great article Henry. I especially like points 4, 5 and 6.

Point 5 reminds me of an old western movie I saw years ago. The husband's wife died in a rural prarie farm in the late 1800's. Know the poor farmer was left with two boys with no mother and he was left with no wife. What did he do ? We'll he didn't hit the bar scene or the internet as bars were few and far between and computers did not exist. The farmer found a widow in a nearby town and convinced her to move in with him and his 2 boys. He said that he needed a wife that could cook, clean, milk the cows and take care of the boys. In return he promised her protection, stability and a 'family life'. She accepted. Back then men and woman had roles and functions that each knew about and accepted. It was also a matter of survival.


Linda K said (April 27, 2014):

1Pe 3:1-4

“Likewise, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, so that if any do not obey the Word, they may also be won without the Word by the conduct of the wives, having witnessed your chaste behavior in the fear of God. Of whom let not be the adorning of garments, or outward braiding of hair and wearing of gold, or of putting on clothing, but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, the meek and quiet spirit, which is of great price in the sight of God.”

Here are a couple of clarifications in the original language (my husband is Greek, born and raised, and for many years studied Classical Greek).

subjection [Greek: hupotassō; under the leadership of]

man [Greek: anthrōpos; human being]


Ren said (April 27, 2014):

As a now very old man, I have seldom seen such a lot of twaddle as you wrote last. After five wives, none of them so-called fashion plates, I say this: Human beings are but animals like any other creature on this earth.

If we had not forsaken the pleasures of the field for the rubbish taught in every school today, we would still be able to enjoy the company of a woman that smells like a woman and looks like a woman.

All my wives including the present one had only one thought in their head after the first 6 months. How to rob a husband of his hard earned property and anything he slaved for in order to have a decent life.

It does not matter if he is financially hard pressed, they expect to get whatever they want and if they do not get it, they go and see a lawyer and get it the hard way. They don't have to pay for the lawyer, the state will take up the tab if need be. (abridged)


Chris said (April 27, 2014):

Hi Henry your first point about thought control reminded me of this -
from the Bible Phillipians chapter 4 starting at verse 8 "....whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."


Mike said (April 27, 2014):

Now I don't wanna get all Biblical,...But the scripture clearly state a Woman's Role is to her man.

Genesis 3 : 16

16To the woman He said,
"I will greatly multiply
Your pain in childbirth,
In pain you will bring forth children;
Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you."

How many women has ANYONE heard of today like that.....?


Jennifer said (April 27, 2014):

Men Stop wasting your life looking for the beautiful perfect dreamy goddess women. Her beauty will quickly fade after the first child.

Stop using a beautiful woman to make you feel like you are someone. Find a good kind helpmate woman and become something yourself. When men "make-it" materially, they get some young beautiful woman --so now men, even poor, hunt for that beautiful woman regardless of who she really is to look like they are the successful guy.

I remember a date telling me when I was a beautiful 19 year old young woman and he was 25 year old HBS grad trying to be a Wall Street mogul, "Everyone's looking at me wondering how I got a girl like you!"

The facade: Eye candy on a man's arm= instant somebody. It goes with our instant gratification culture. It is overwhelming for a young girl to wake up one day a woman now -just 18 or 19 and have so many men flipping out over her and begging to be with her and putting her on a pedestal just because she fits their James Bond ideal. These men don't care really who she is. These men are selfish, its all about taking care of their superficial needs.


Magna said (April 27, 2014):

Thank you, your article had me thinking and your idea on soulmates was quite eye opening. In Islam the quran says that men should marry so the can find tranquility or repose in a woman.

Unfortunately most women of a feminist bend make the home life unbearable to the point that one would feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune of living with them.

The Noble Qur'an - Ar-Rum 30:21

And from among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.

Also the Prophet's (Peace Be upon Him) says are very informative regarding different topics:
On masculinity:

Allah's Apostle May Allah's peace and praise be on him cursed those men who are in the similitude (assume the manners) of women and those women who are in the similitude (assume the manners) of men.

On marriage:

O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast, for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.

One more thing, side issue. I think there are people who are more into looking for love and others who actively look for helpmeets could depend on their personality outlook.
rationals look for helpmeets and idealists look for romance Just a thought.
http://www.davidmarkley.com/personality/idealist.htm


Ken L said (April 26, 2014):

Many excellent points, thank-you. The last sentence is a gem, and is thunderous in its implications. We need to stop, stop, stop trying to worship one another. Its extremely unhealthy for the worshiper and the one worshiped. Sooner or later, it will bite both participants. Disappointment, resentment, and anger will follow. And then, a train of calamities...

I think God knew what He was talking about when He said, 'You will have no other gods before Me.'


Roshan said (April 26, 2014):

Brilliant article once again! Sadly, many people do not think this way, after being brainwashed into courting a woman purely on her physical attractiveness.

A real man would love his girl for what she truly is on the inside, not the exterior.

Women who are often not very physically beautiful often end up feeling inferior and feel no one will date them. I hope this article makes people think deeply over their attitudes.


Malcolm said (April 26, 2014):

Your argument should be read by all young men Henry. It seems you are called to tear down some mighty fortresses!

2 Cor. 10:4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not material, but powerful according to the norms and standards of God, for the purpose of tearing down fortresses [satanic strongholds], for the purpose of overthrowing false concepts [cosmic thinking])


Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at